What to do with myself?

After sitting at home with my thoughts and nervous energy for days, I decided to bring myself to work cause I needed something to do that wasn't crazy.

When I'm faced with situations outside my control I tend to start looking for things I can do that I do have control over, like cutting off all my hair and dying it blonde (my hairdresser said she wants me to marinate on this for a week because she's not sure it's what I really want).

Or buying a bunch of stuff to finish decorating my living room (I saved a bunch of stuff on Pinterest, just need my handyman to come do some measurements for me).

Or trading in my roadster and buying a shiny new convertible (I need to get my car detailed before I can trade it in).

Or figuring out what to do with the empty room that was going to be the baby room (I cleared the little bit of stuff I had in there out and now it's wide open with no curtains or blinds on the windows or anything).

Or buying a doggy car seat for my puppy cause he likes to ride with his head hanging out of the window, but he wants to sit in my lap and I can't have that. And a basket for my bicycle that he can ride in. And an Avengers T-shirt for him.

I think what's really sort of blown me away is how down Mr. XSLS has been. I'll admit that, even though he was all gung-ho about our baby appointments and had promised me he would be a better father to our child than he had been a husband to me, I still sort of didn't believe he was 100 percent there with me.

Anyway, I'm not saying anything here just rambling. And listening to Yolanda.

I don't even know what to write here

Yesterday I hit the 15 week marker. Fifteen weeks people!!!

But I woke up yesterday cramping really badly. I called my ob/gyn (he had given me his cell number to call him directly if I had any questions or concerns) and he said to go to the hospital and he would meet me there.

Me and Mr. XSLS go to the hospital and from there everything is a bit of blur, but I end up under anesthesia and in surgery and I come out not pregnant.

I lost my baby girl. Sigh.

I am not taking phone calls or responding to emails or texts.

Let me back up for some folks....

I had written awhile back about how me and Mr. XSLS had two frozen embryos left and I was undecided what to do with them.

Then we decided to go ahead and transfer them. Neither of us thought it would work. It hadn't worked the other three times, why now?

Well, one of 'em decided to settle in for the duration! So, I'm knocked up!

We will parent together and he goes to appointments with me and stuff.

Meanwhile I'm trying to make it to the end of the day because I hurled all over the bathroom floor a couple of hours ago. I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better now though, whew!

That is all.

A love letter to...

...my baby.

I've seen and heard your heartbeat several times now and every time you show up on screen you squirm around like you're doing a little dance. Or you want us to leave you alone. Either way, you are definitely my child. LOL!

Your dad is excited, along with your Nana J, Nana B and PopPop. None of us thought this day would come so we're probably a little bit too much for you right now. It will calm down. Someday. Maybe not. You'll be OK though, nobody ever died from too much love.

When my stomach is hurting because I'm starving even though I just ate five minutes ago, I picture you like a little baby bird in there with your mouth opening and closing waiting for me to bring you food. Especially when, from day-to-day, you don't like the same thing so I am forever on the hunt for something that will stay IN my stomach and not end up in the toilet bowl (or all over the car. Long story, let's move on...)

OH! And I know you will love your doggy buddy, who is so kind and helpfully licks my leg when I'm retching in the bathroom.

Anyway, in a few months I will be holding you in my arms and as much as I can, I hope to write to you so that you will always know how much I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day! -- Mommy SLS

Day 3: #febphotoaday

This is my crazy hyper puppy licking my hand.

Day 2: #febphotoaday

I have always been a voracious reader. Weekly trips to the library with my mom were the best things ever. The librarians knew us and would put stuff aside they thought would interest me.

Right now I am reading several back issues of The New Yorker and the latest Walter Mosley novel

Day 1: #febphotoaday

OK I missed yesterday's post so I'm posting it today. I'll post day two a little later. This was my view this morning.

How old (or young) is too old (or too young)?

I was responding to a post over on Black 'N Bougie about age and dating when I realized I was blogging in her comments so I brought my thoughts on over here to my house.

When I was a sophomore in college my uncle -- my mother's older brother -- was dating a girl who had just graduated from my university. We had the same name, too. It was odd going to family functions and looking at this chick. Mostly cause I wondered why in hell she was hanging out with my uncle. He's got some paper stacked but he's always been pretty darn stingy (except with me, it's so nice being the favorite niece, LOL!).

But, I guess she just liked him because they are still friends today, she lives here in D.C. and when he visited me a couple of years ago, we went to visit her, her husband and kids and stuff. And when I think back on it, she was always very mature. I was a kid for a long time.

I remember hanging out with my aunt one night (she's 10 years older than me) and meeting this older guy (much older than my aunt). He was a school superintendent, had several degrees, was an Omega and was nice looking for an old man. All I could think was, he would be great for Mama SLS. Well, this dude was thinking, SLS would be great for me. He wanted to fly me in to visit him over my spring break (he lived in Ohio) and all this jazz and I couldn't get my head around it. I know plenty of people who would have gone and let him be a sugar daddy, but I've never been that way. I've always wanted to be in love, you know?

Last year was the first year I dated a man more than one or two years older than me. He was 46. He had adult children and just seemed real grown. He was also very respectful of me. I liked it.

Last year was also the first year I ever dated anyone younger than me. He was 33. He was real grown too. He was also very touchy feely let me squeeze on this, rub on that, which was kinda nice, too. Even celibate folks need some affection. LOL!

I think people should follow their hearts and if your heart leads you to someone much older or younger than you, well, so be it.

HEY! I'm going to blog again!

I just stole this from @TiffanyNHouston and decided, I'll use it to get my blogging mojo back.

Incommunicado

I have a short attention span and wild imagination. If you are talking to me about something I have little to no interest in, you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.

If you want me to do something, the best way to accomplish that goal is to write it down. Counting on me to remember the specifics of the ish you said is almost like you never told me. I wasn't listening. But, if it's written down, I can refer back to it and we're all good.

Plus, the beauty of writing it down means there is a paper trail we can both refer to later if needed. No, well "I said" this and "I thought you said" that confusion.

WRITE. IT. DOWN.

I work with at least one person who does not communicate in the way that I do. She likes to walk around with papers and lists she has created via our many electronic systems and ask a bunch of questions that I feel have been answered via the many electronic systems, since that is their purpose.

Recently, I told her to stop coming by my desk interrupting my blogging, tweeting and Facebooking (LOL!) to ask me questions that have already been answered via the electronic systems. For example, asking me if we are going to do a story. Was there anyone assigned to it in the electronic system? No? Then that's your answer. If I haven't assigned a producer to it, I don't have plans for my team to do it. No need to come ask me about it. No name, no do. It's really that simple.

Finally, if I email you a question that is fairly straightforward and rather than respond "yes" or "no" you pick up the phone and call me....you are dead to me.

But y'all already knew I was funnyactin', right?

How do you best communicate?

Words Can't Describe...

This song popped up in my iTunes rotation today for the first time in a loooooooooooooooong time.

 

It was the first dance song at my wedding. I loved the lyrics and (obviously) loved Sarah Vaughan so it seemed perfect for us. Anyway, give it a listen and have a great day.

My friend is hurting....

It's hard to listen to somebody you love tell you about how somebody else is hurting them. You want to fight on their behalf.

My friend is struggling in his marriage. His wife woke up one day (from his perspective) and decided she didn't want to be married because she didn't love him any more. She was no longer attracted to him.

I listened and pushed him to go for counseling. I never let a negative word come out of my mouth about his wife.

But for real, I wanna snatch the hair out of that chick's head. I didn't just meet him yesterday so I KNOW who he is at heart. He has always wanted to be a GREAT husband and a GREAT dad.

I want to tell her, bish, this brother is smart as hell, a great dad, successful in his career, nice looking, dresses well, has GREAT VALUES, and most importantly, he LOVES YOU and the family y'all have created. This dude is practically in tears on the phone with me trying to figure out how to make you happy and keep his family intact.

But, I can't do that. I don't know her side of the story. I'm his friend. Instead, I listen, I try to make him see it from her point-of-view or understand something she's said or did that he's agonizing over.

Sigh.

Stupid ... If I Had My Way

I've always liked this song:

 


And this one:

 

Gooooood Morning 2012!

I am at work today and give praises to God that I woke up this morning feeling happy and healthy. I wish the best of everything to all of my friends and family and I urge you to, as Jay-Z says, BALL SO HARD!

It's going to be a great year. Love ya!

Living The Vows by @TiffanyNHouston

I got tired of writing about me. So I stopped.

But I still read my regular round of blogs and today I saw this post and knew I had to get over here and share the good word: "Living The Vows."

It's a message very many of us need to hear and certainly one that resonates with me.

Hope the holidays were wonderful for all of you. Take care. -- SingLikeSassy