"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Friday, February 20, 2009

From Carolyn Hax

NOTE: THIS IS NOT MY SITUATION! I SAW THIS ON CAROLYN HAX AND THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD QUESTION TO THROW OUT TO THE BLOGGERATI.

What would you do in this situation?

Need help -- soon!: I recently got married to a wonderful guy who loves and cares about his family (one of his best qualities).

However, his very toxic sister (drama-queen and financial leech) wishes to move in with us! We JUST got married, and we're trying to start a family -- we want this to be "our" time.

My wonderful husband doesn't feel like he can say no, because she had depression, and her only other option is to move in with my in-laws... in some retirement community in Arizona, where she would "have no life."

I've tried to explain to my husband, that if she moves in with us, we would have no privacy, and he would have to become her "dad" instead of her adored big brother, as she has no common sense, and acts like she's a horny 16-year-old, instead of a 36-year-old. But my husband says that the option would be "condemning" her to not having a social life (not that she has one now...she does not have a single friend nor close acquaintance, due to her toxic personality).

Any advice on what I can say to convince him? I realize due to her "issues", she will -eventually- be living with us -- but I was hoping that would be after we had kids, and had time to ourselves first. I'm ready to be the mom of a baby... but not of a 36-year-old who thinks she's still a teenager!

Carolyn Hax: Since when is it a brother's responsibility--much less a sister-in-law's--to ensure that a grown sibling has a social life?

I can't promise it will "convince" anybody, but you do need to shoot down his rationale: -He- isn't condemning her to not having a social life, she has done that to herself. By caving, though, he would be condemning you to a life without privacy.

Read the full online chat.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, WOW, mama... that is SO not cool. I think the only thing you really can do is ask him what's really more important... your marital health and well-being, or an unbalanced person who needs professional help, not a free ride.

    Good luck, darlin! I hope he makes the right choice...

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  2. I think this might be a horrible idea. If your 36 year old sister-in-law cannot support herself and live in her own place then she should live with her parents. It kind of sounds like having "no life" might actually do her some good. And a change of pace (Arizona) might do her some good as well. There's nothing better than constant sunshine and beautiful scenery to help with depression. I know your husband's a nice guy and everything but you must not do this! The two of you don't deserve it. Tell her you'll reconsider in another 10 years or so.

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  3. Sorry if I wasn't clear earlier, but I saw this comment on Carolyn Hax and thought I'd see what other folks had to say about it. Cause I *know* what I would do. Ain't NO WAY she would come to my house.

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