"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Catching up...

Lemme see, what's been going on with me...

I started bleeding on Saturday and am still bleeding, so I am officially not pregnant now. I'll go to the doc tomorrow for one last blood test to check my HCG levels but based on what I'm passing I'm pretty sure all baby is gone at this point. I thought I'd be more sad, and I did cry a little when it started but at this point, I'm just ready for this to be done.

I've started my Couch to 5K program again. First day was a bit crazed, but second day was better. I've lost 32 pounds since last February, the last 10 pounds in the last month. I'm pushing forward to losing at least that much if not more in the next year and to be more fit and become a runner.

Going to visit my dad this weekend for the first time in a long time. Can't wait to see my stepbrothers and nephews. Even though I'm not very close to them, I'm closer to them than I have ever been with my blood brother. It will be interesting to be there with Mr. SLS.

Finally, Mr. SLS and I are separating. That's the news y'all really wanted an update on, wasn't it? Yes, he will move out by the end of June. You read that right, he will move out of HIS house at the end of June and I will be living here alone. Maybe some space will help us. Or, maybe not. Who knows.

But he just called to see what kind of sushi I wanted so I reckon he'll be home with dinner soon, so I'll shut this down until later.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This made me laugh this morning...

But there's some truth here, so you might give it a read: Black 'n Bougie: For every @HillHarper, there are 39 taco-eatin’ Pookies & Ray-Nays – Do we know a “Good Man” when we see one?

Personally, I think the definition of a good man varies depending on the woman. What's good to me might be yucky to you. For instance, I don't like musclebound men. That looks disgusting to me all those lumps and bumps. I prefer leaner bodies to all that bumpiness. I like nerdy bookish men. I'm not looking for the smoothest brother in the club with the expensive tailored suit and the shiny new car and all that. That's a turn off to me. I'm looking at that brother at the bar who might be a little shy. Why? Cause I'm not the shiniest thing in the club and I'm a little shy and we can probably have a great conversation. And being able to talk and laugh with a guy is way more important to me than what he looks like.

As for potential, after 35 you need to be doing whatever it is you had planned to do with your life. Not getting ready to do it, or making plans to do it or talking about doing it, just doing it. Dreamers who don't have a main gig bringing in regular income til they can get their dream off the ground should keep rolling past me, too. Every man in my family has a business of some sort and I have seen them provide for their families while working their dream so I know it can be done without laying on your mama's couch.

And don't get all indignant in the comments about how some brothers get started late and all that -- if you are approaching 40 and have had the same 20 years to get your shit together that I have, you should have something to show for it. Now your something doesn't have to equal mine, but you should have a pretty good foundation at 40.

Finally, let's put this question to the brothers: Do you know a "Good Woman" when you see one? Cause I've encountered many a man talking about alllllll he wants his woman to be -- beautiful, educated, career-driven, has her own money, lady in the streets, freaky in the sheets and so forth -- who then turn around and spend time with Susie Stripper cause she got a fat ass and tight abs and can fall down in a split from the top of the pole. Reconcile that for me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Thank you for great mothers!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, grandmommies, aunties, big mamas, nanas, grannies and so on and so forth.

You've loved, nurtured and protected us all through the years and one day of recognition does not do justice to how much we all appreciate you.

Relax, kick back and surround yourselves with loved ones today.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I was pregnant for a whole week

For two days last week I was happy. It seemed our latest and last IVF cycle had worked. And it had been a promising cycle from the start.

They retrieved 8 eggs from one ovary (I was a little ticked that after getting cut last fall they still couldn't get to my left ovary when it was time for egg retrieval). Six of them fertilized and made it to blastocyst stage. I had a 5-day transfer of two blasts. Two made it to freeze.

We went away for my birthday. I avoided caffeine, soft cheeses, raw seafood, lunch meat and alcohol, exercised in moderation, got lots of rest and took all my meds.

On Tuesday, April 27, I got the news -- my HCG level was 335! There was a baby in my belly! Anything greater than 50 is good but 335 was a great number.

Then they checked it on Thursday. 469. Good, but, it should have doubled in 48 hours. They tell me to come in on Saturday for another test. 699. Still increasing but not at the rate it should be. Come back on Monday.

I go in yesterday and it's 790. Yes, another increase, but by now it should be more than 1,000. They think it's an ectopic pregnancy and tell me to come back tomorrow for more tests, and a sonogram.

This morning I go in and Mr. SLS comes with me. They take my blood, and do the sonogram. They can see little blurs here and there, but nothing that is distinctively a sac.

About 15 mins ago I got a call from my doc. My HCG level dropped. 750. It's an ectopic pregnancy. They won't give me a shot yet to help make sure it goes away as they want it to happen naturally and believe it will, since my HCG levels are dropping. I go back on Thursday for them to check again and if my HCG rises, they will give me the shot.

So here we are. Or, there we were.

P.S. This is just one of the problems referenced in yesterday's post.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Rough Patch

Earlier today CreoleinDC asked posters on her blog when was the last they had gone through a rough patch.

I am going through the roughest patch of my life right now. On all fronts. Up until this past weekend, I kept it all to myself. I like to fix my own stuff. People bring their own perspectives and experiences to your situation and can lead you astray. And I don't want advice, I want an ear, I want to vent and get it out. Often people want to tell you what to do. I know what I'm going to do or I *will* know what I'm going to do as soon as I figure it out. Don't tell me what I should do.

Also, I don't like being asked a lot of questions and I don't like that when there isn't a problem, so pelting me with a lot of questions when there is a problem means I'm going to shut down.

But not talking to anyone about it meant I wasn't talking. To anyone. Friends called, calls went to voicemail. Text messages came, I read them, but rarely responded. Emails arrived in my inbox and sat there unopened.

Last week I lost 9 pounds. In one week. I'm fat and weight loss is good for a fat person, but, this is stress weightloss.

So I talked it out this weekend and woke up this morning exhausted but feeling better. After another conversation there seemed to be a breakthrough of sorts on the problem. Or at least a pause button.

Then at 2:15 p.m. I got a call with some fugged up news I didn't want to hear or receive. I would have left work and come home to burrow, but I had no choice but to get through the rest of the day at work because every.single.damn.body I work with called in sick today.

Tomorrow I will find out if the fugged news is gonna stay fugged up. The tides have got to turn. Got to.

There is a silver lining. I kicked ass on Wii boxing tonight.

So far 40 is not the business.