"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Monday, January 3, 2011

I am over ME

Yeah, I said it. I am over me.

Here's why: I've been letting this marriage break up/no baby thing consume me.

For example, I had an invite for Friday. I was looking forward to it and got up and started getting ready. Then I got a call from Mr. SLS updating me on the status of the eviction process for my tenants (basically these non-rent paying mofos are in there and I have next-to-no rights as a landlord in D.C. and the process moves like molasses in the wintertime. As a result, he's been handling it cause...iCan't. Just thinking about it makes my pressure go up. Seriously).

What he told me made me cry. Then once I started crying I was just done. For the day. I cried off and on all day. About the tenants. About my marriage. About the tenants, again. Then my marriage for a couple more hours. Then the fact that my due date was 1/1/11. Then the marriage again.

This built up until at 11:30 p.m. I was crying so hard I couldn't see. O__o And that's about the time Mr. SLS sent me a text wishing me a happy new year. Lawd why he go and do that??!!

I finally went to sleep, but woke up the next day still upset and called him, cause dammit, I wasn't going to be worked up by my damn self! I started in all teary talking about this and that and then somewhere in the middle of all that I just...stopped.

What the hell difference did any of that crying and all these dramatics make? Nothing. I'm still getting divorced. Shit Mr. SLS did can't be undone. The baby ain't here.

So, I got off the phone.

It's sad and hard to accept, but I gotta accept it: I loved and lost.

I may never be a biological mom. Again, sad and hard to accept, but I gotta accept that, too.

All those people I thanked in the last post, they have been supporting me in one way or another and I owe it to them NOT to squander those prayers and well wishes by wallowing in this shit. It is what it is. All I can do now is control those things I can control, something my daddy tells me all.the.time.

So moving forward, I'm making a concerted and focused effort to "fake it til I make it." I am not that beatdown kinda chick. Never have been and not going to be one now.

If I start feeling low, well I'll find something else to think about or do, like working out and getting this extra weight off.

I am over me. Here's hoping I get this shit together before y'all are over me, too.

Christina sums up where I am for the twenty-leven:

7 comments:

  1. No need to be over you...just the feelings and drama that comes with stuff that is beyond our control. You can only do what you can w/the situations at hand and then we got to keep it moving. We can only control how we react - our attitude - when life starts dealing us a bad hand.

    When we have been kicked to the curb, lying on the side of the road...all we can do - what we should do - is pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again.

    We weren't built to break. Head up, shoulders back...this is our year.

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  2. I'm sorry you're going through it. You'll have good days and bad days... Stay strong!

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  3. I don't know how much you know about my story, but this post really resonated with me because I can relate on so many levels(infertility, infidelity and divorce). But I have been amazed at the way God has healed my heart & spirit in ways I could never have imagined. It took time, but it happened. Please be encouraged. Take the moments when they come, no need to be ashamed, then reach deep for what He has already placed inside of you.

    Peace & Blessings to you !

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  4. I read often but hardly ever comment. This post made me want to reach out and give you a big hug and tell you that you will make it through (in YOUR own time). Cry when you need to, and laugh as much as you can. I will say a prayer for you for strength and understanding as you go through this journey.

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  5. Anonymous1/04/2011

    Breakthrough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  6. You are working it out! Although, sometimes I admit the crying and dramatics are a release, at the end of the day it can make you tired. When I was going through, one of the things I did wrong was staying down too long. You need a mourning period for sure, but you also have to do more than trudge through life. You have to live it. You don't want to waste any of the days God has gifted you with not fulfilling your purpose (and staying in the dark on the couch when you weren't at work like me is not the way - it took a toll on my physical health even after I finally got up and out). Let people in, dress up and go out, get some sunshine on your face, buy some new clothes, go do something for someone else who needs help, live a fulfilled life. Stay encouraged!

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  7. I don't know how much you know about my story, but this post really resonated with me because I can relate on so many levels(infertility, infidelity and divorce). But I have been amazed at the way God has healed my heart & spirit in ways I could never have imagined. It took time, but it happened. Please be encouraged. Take the moments when they come, no need to be ashamed, then reach deep for what He has already placed inside of you.

    Peace & Blessings to you !

    ReplyDelete

Use your inside voice ... or I'll put you outside. -- SingLikeSassy