Yeah, I said it. I am over me.
Here's why: I've been letting this marriage break up/no baby thing consume me.
For example, I had an invite for Friday. I was looking forward to it and got up and started getting ready. Then I got a call from Mr. SLS updating me on the status of the eviction process for my tenants (basically these non-rent paying mofos are in there and I have next-to-no rights as a landlord in D.C. and the process moves like molasses in the wintertime. As a result, he's been handling it cause...iCan't. Just thinking about it makes my pressure go up. Seriously).
What he told me made me cry. Then once I started crying I was just done. For the day. I cried off and on all day. About the tenants. About my marriage. About the tenants, again. Then my marriage for a couple more hours. Then the fact that my due date was 1/1/11. Then the marriage again.
This built up until at 11:30 p.m. I was crying so hard I couldn't see. O__o And that's about the time Mr. SLS sent me a text wishing me a happy new year. Lawd why he go and do that??!!
I finally went to sleep, but woke up the next day still upset and called him, cause dammit, I wasn't going to be worked up by my damn self! I started in all teary talking about this and that and then somewhere in the middle of all that I just...stopped.
What the hell difference did any of that crying and all these dramatics make? Nothing. I'm still getting divorced. Shit Mr. SLS did can't be undone. The baby ain't here.
So, I got off the phone.
It's sad and hard to accept, but I gotta accept it: I loved and lost.
I may never be a biological mom. Again, sad and hard to accept, but I gotta accept that, too.
All those people I thanked in the last post, they have been supporting me in one way or another and I owe it to them NOT to squander those prayers and well wishes by wallowing in this shit. It is what it is. All I can do now is control those things I can control, something my daddy tells me all.the.time.
So moving forward, I'm making a concerted and focused effort to "fake it til I make it." I am not that beatdown kinda chick. Never have been and not going to be one now.
If I start feeling low, well I'll find something else to think about or do, like working out and getting this extra weight off.
I am over me. Here's hoping I get this shit together before y'all are over me, too.
Christina sums up where I am for the twenty-leven: