"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Monday, August 29, 2011

Revelations, Part II

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about letting a guy I was crushing on who wanted to know more about me read this blog and how I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do, but I was going to step out on faith and let him in.

In the days since I shared the blog with him, the situation with that fella has changed dramatically for reasons I don't understand.

But before things went sour, he said that he had read a little, but had to stop, telling me "it seems too private and I feel a bit like a voyeur as I read."

He then followed with this: "...It is just as you are. The blog speaks in the same way you speak. I guess if you're hiding some part of you, you are also hiding it in writing. My guess, you are who you say you are and do what you say you do. There is no hidden agenda to [SingLikeSassy]. Are you as open a book as you seem?"

I tried to respond to that question at the end, but at the time was confused by it. Who the hell has energy to pretend to be two and three different people?!!! I am just me.

But that's not why I write this post.

Since we have stopped talking to each other it has been driving.me.crazy. that he might be reading this blog and getting this birds' eye view into my heart and feelings and thoughts. It feels like something I don't want to give is being taken away from me.

As I said, I use this blog to work through my feelings about situations and over the years I have made so many good friends via this blog who have supported me first through the baby disappointments and then the marriage meltdown.

When this guy hurt my feelings, I came here to write out my thoughts, but felt uncomfortable here in MY SPACE for the first time ever. I felt like I was being watched.

I considered locking the blog down and giving a password out to the longtime readers, but that eliminates the possibility of me connecting with new folks who might help me and/or other posters or be helped by what I write here.

More importantly, putting the blog behind a wall gives too much power to someone who could give two shits about me and likely isn't reading.

So I remain open -- literally and figuratively. And I thank all of you for staying with me.

I am packing and preparing to leave for a much needed vacation on Tuesday (was supposed to leave yesterday, Irene delayed it), and I may not be able to post while I am gone so have a safe and happy labor day weekend and I will type at you soon!

I took this photo while traveling on the Pacific Coast in 2009. It was relaxing then and soothes me when I look at it now.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Good, the Bad and the Rest of Us

I got an email a little bit ago from a friend of Mr. SLS' asking how I was doing and when we were going to get together and hang out. This young lady is a longtime friend of his and another musician. She performed at our wedding.

The Friday before Memorial Day last year, she came by to meet him because they were going to do some busking at the Metro. This was the day after everything went bizarro -- I was bleeding out our baby and his cheating was revealed -- and I tried to crush his skull with the telephone then threw half of his stuff down the stairs and called his hoes and said come get this MFer so ALL Y'ALL CAN LAY IN A POOL OF FILTH TOGETHER.

Needless to say he gathered his instruments and left the house for the night. He was smart cause I was raging out up in there and had considered throwing those in the street and running my car over them.

And though I know he would have never laid hands on me, if I had done something to his instruments -- which collectively are worth about $50K -- as Chris Rock says, he might have shaken the shit out of me. LOL!

The next day when she knocked on the door -- he had forgotten she was coming -- he had come back home just minutes earlier and we were silently looking at each other, me on the stairs peeking through the rails and him down below, the events of the night before still raw between us.

Since his friend had driven down from Baltimore he felt like he should give her gas money, but realized he didn't have cash. He ran out to the ATM and she and I sat there together. I tried to make small talk, but then she asked me for some relationship advice because she said we were one of the most loving couples she knew and I burst into tears -- the loud, snotty, can't catch your breath or talk coherently kinda tears. (side note: DAMN I cry a lot. I'm crying as I type this post. UGH!)

She jumped up and hugged me and I was finally able to say that everything was all messed up and wrong and he didn't want me anymore and she grabbed my purse and pushed me into her car. When Mr. SLS' car swung around the corner a few minutes later she yelled out the window that we were going to have some girl time and would be back then she drove me to a park and let me cry and wail until my throat and head hurt.

After that she checked on me everyday last summer. Her loyalties shifted from him to me. She even went to his best friend -- another musician -- and told him what happened and urged him to talk to Mr. SLS (who, at this time, hadn't mentioned anything to his friend about our situation, so it was a bit of a shock). From her perspective, she had witnessed our union and as such, she was supposed to do everything she could to help it stay intact.

Anyway, we all know that I moved back home and when she emailed me earlier she said Mr. SLS had reached out to her about getting together to do some playing and she wasn't feeling it cause she couldn't get past what he had done to our marriage.

I told her that she needed to separate the two because she was his friend long before there was a me. And that the nice guy she knew would continue to be that person for her. Our failed marriage didn't prevent him from playing and practicing with her.

Finally, I said nobody is all bad or all good.

I know I could hate Mr. SLS, but I don't. I can't make him out to be a demon because he isn't. I am not perfect either.

Nobody is all bad or all good.

Strength, Courage and Wisdom

My girlfriend who came over during the storm last night and I spent a couple of hours this morning talking to an older lady she is friends with (that lady is in her late 60s) and dammmmmmnnnnnnnn she spit some knowledge on us today.

She made my heart and mind easy about my marriage and other failed relationships that I blame myself for and have internalized the pain from.

And believe me, this was NOT a conversation, she took us to church -- we just sat our behinds down, listened and soaked it all up. When she finished I was like, wait, that's it? No! I want more!

I often need reminding that God will bring you what you need when you are ready to receive it and today, I NEEDED Ms. Emily.

My girlfriend and I also "served" Mr. SLS his divorce papers today (I wasn't able to get by there last week as planned).

It was sad -- not just because divorces are sad -- but because she met him first, before any of my other friends, she declared he was "the one," she coordinated our wedding and was first at bat to be a godmom to our kid(s). She was also the first person I called and ran to cry on last year when everything went to hell.

When the deed was done she said to us, "I helped you get married and now I am helping you get divorced. Damn."

Damn indeed.

A Refuge During Storms

My friend who ended up staying with me for a couple of months back in 2004 due to back-to-back hurricanes had to come on back when Irene knocked her power out Saturday evening. We broke open a bottle of Prosecco and it was cool to have the company and conversation after that lonely ass dinner.

Her beau that she recently broke off with lives around the corner from me (coincidence!) and we thought about being ratched and having some fun at his expense but then remembered we are too old and cute for all that. LOL!

Anyway, it was cool to have her back (and we laughed as she ran in from the rain and said, "I'm HOME!") as we were always good as roommates and we chatted and kikiki-ed it up for a good while before shutting it on down for the night.

I talked to another friend earlier in the day who is considering reuniting with a boyfriend who broke up with her a year ago because he wasn't ready to get married. Apparently old dude (who I went to high school and college with, but did not know was in D.C. until she moved here and they started dating. Small world) took her out and apologized for treating her shabbily. Which is nice.

However, I asked her if they are moving toward getting married now? If not, what's the point to getting back together since the reason they broke up was because she was ready for marriage and he wasn't? But I suspect they will be a couple again soon so I wish them the best.

Finally, my best guy friend is on my ass about getting some answers about why I didn't make it to NYC last weekend as we were supposed to get together. I don't really have an answer for why that didn't happen and I don't want to discuss with him, but he's had my back too many times for me to play like that so I'll hide for another day or so then put my big girl panties on and call him up for a long chat.

Alrighty, happy Sunday everybody!

Leftovers

Remember a few posts ago when I said I never had more than hors d'oeuvres in my fridge and had cooked only a handful of times in my kitchen and that was when I was cooking for someone (my mom, the teacher)?

WELL, thanks to Hurricane Irene, I was forced to go out and buy groceries and on Saturday evening I cooked a wonderful and tasty meal that I ate at my dining table whilst sipping some Pellegrino in a champagne flute.

Here's what I served myself:

I slow cooked some beef tips (I need the protein) until they melted in the mouth.

Then I made some Israeli couscous, with broccoli, fresh garlic and mushroom.

Finally, I had one heirloom tomato left from a batch I bought a week or two ago, so I cut that up with an avocado, tossed it with some crumbled feta and drizzled it all with balsamic vinegar.

Tasty, tasty, tasty. Yum!

But as I ate the meal I realized that though I am a loner and can entertain myself for hours upon hours, the reason I haven't cooked for myself since I moved back home is because I feel lonely eating in my empty kitchen, at my empty table. All alone.

Sigh.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Ring, Ding, Dong

Friend: "Hey. You're wearing your wedding rings. I forgot how gorgeous they are."

Me: "Yes, I decided I needed to put them back on until I'm divorced cause I'm not ready for a relationship."

Friend: "NO. F*** no. You don't have to move forward -- it's OK to stand still for a minute -- but we are NOT moving backward. NO. Put them back in the box."

Welp, I guess she told me.

Friendship and Love Actually

For the past couple of weeks I have been going over and over a situation in my head wondering what I might have said or done wrong or SHOULD have said or done to make it right.

My friend who is nursing the broken heart called yesterday and we shot the bull about her situation and after awhile got around to the situation I've been vexed about and she gave me some advice.

Hahahaa y'all thought I was going to tell you what she said didn't you? Nope, BUT I will tell you that when she said what she said, I looked like this:


And then I did this because I realized I could let it go:


I love my friends!!!!! By the way that dancing gif is from one of my favorite movies EVAH, Love Actually, (you can see the actual scene it was from here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcgxBHBsl-4) which also brought us this very sage and wise advice:



And this scene, which I can't embed, always makes me cry, even moreso now that I know exactly how she feels. Bad form, Alan Rickman, bad form.

Which reminds me of ANOTHER deal Mr. SLS and I had, which was that if I had to watch the damn Lord of the Rings trilogy every Thanksgiving, he had to watch Love Actually every Christmas. LOL!

Which also reminds me that because I loved this movie so much Mr. SLS bought me the soundtrack and I listen to this song all the time, as sappy and treacly as it is:



And on that note, let me get back to work.

Bling! Bling!

My friend A and I were IMing Wednesday about the trip she and her boyfriend took last week to check out engagement rings.

This got me to thinking about my current separated but still married status. I have decided to wear my wedding set again. The rings have been in the drawer in their little box since last year because at the time I felt like "why am I announcing to the world I'm married when my husband is out here ho'ing and making a fool of me??!"

But I think I need to wear it now for just that reason: I am married and until I am not, I need to be clear about my dating status. Wearing my rings signal that I am unavailable as well as reminds ME that I am legally unavailable, too.

I have always loved my wedding set. Well, wait, my FIRST engagement ring was this:


Yep, this $5 ring purchased in a quirky art store in Savannah, Ga., that I still have (I stopped wearing it because a ball fell off and I didn't want it to fall apart) was my e-ring. That photo was taken on the plane as we flew back from down South in 2006.

Anyway, I like antique-y looking stuff and I wanted the Legacy ring. I was also marrying a then part-time teacher/musican/full-time grad student* who was doing OK, but was not ballerific in the cash area.

So we compromised. I didn't have to have THAT ring, it was really the style that I liked. He found a great quality cushion-cut diamond and then had my ring custom-made based on the Legacy. It cost less doing it that way (didn't have to spend the extra cash for the brand name) and I got what I wanted. Bingbangboom (no I am not taking another pic, look at that one and the Legacy and use your imagination. My e-ring is like the Legacy on the right):


I don't know what I will do with my rings once I am divorced. Someone said recently that I should give them back but a great big HELL and NO to that right there. And a Clay Davis from The Wire sheeeeeeeeeeiiiiit on top of that. I more than earned these gem stones.

For now I think I will hold on to them because if the tadpoles (<--that's what Mr. SLS calls our frozen embies) work, I want our child to have them.

*I really like teachers, apparently, because I married one and have dated three others. However, aint nona that ish worked out. Maybe it's because my mom is a teacher? Let me think on that for a bit. Hm. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Can't Do Nuttin' For Ya Man -- Public Enemy

Mr. SLS had the blues last night. I mean the all the way down in the dumps blues.

He was hating work, hating life, waxing on about how he "f***ed us up" -- dude was allllll up in his feelings.

Now, there was a time when I would have moved heaven and earth to fix it. Heaven AND earth. But after a couple of "CHEER UPS!" I got off the phone cause, um, yeah, my life is a little f***ed up right now, too. I wonder why?!

I did feel slightly bad cause when I was crying the other day he did try his best to fix it even though he wasn't sure what was wrong. Then I got over it.

But for real, our interaction right now is all about HIM doing for ME. Yep guilt gifts and prizes, for $1000 Alex!

And honestly, though it seems like we talk a lot, we are moving farther and farther apart. Our conversations generally last about 5 mins now and revolve around some business or need or request. They are polite and cordial, but pretty succinct.

In fact, tonight, I'm going over to "serve" him our divorce papers. I need to take the form saying he got them back down to the courthouse and I want to do it before I leave for vacation this weekend (here's hoping the hurricane doesn't come inland).

It's really a shame that something so promising ended like this. Sigh.


Testing Makes Me Testy

30 Something: A Test Run: So, what if you went out on a date with a guy - your first date - and he left his wallet at home? What would you do? Would you offer to pay ...
I am linking to this post over on Lottie's blog cause this sounded so silly to me. Really? Ugh.

I am not a game player. I am not coy either. I am a bit of a flirt and a tease, but not with every man as I have to be comfortable enough with a guy to flirt with him and that takes time.

What you see is what you get with me. I don't have the energy to pretend I am something or someone else. This, right here, is IT.

If a dude decided to pull that trick Lottie wrote about to "test" if I am a gold digger, he and his prolly not that damn big anyway wallet could kiss my entire left ass cheek. In my experience only the average ass earner dudes seem to be focused on ferreting out supposed gold diggers. 

So what have we learned today? Don't come at me with no BS tests, take that ish to a therapist and work it out, hell.

Would you wear this?

Irregular Choice Long Lashes Tweed Concealed Wedge Boots


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

No YOU get over it!

I was looking at the calendar when I remembered something disappointing and thought, "Oh well, I'll get over it."

And then I thought, why do I always have to "get over" some ish? How about I DON'T WANT to "get over it." Or, I'm TIRED of just "getting over it." Or better yet, I AM NOT GOING to "just get over it." Dammit.

Anyway, I clicked on over to blogger cause I was going to SAY SOMETHING and knock some ish DOWN on the Interwebz...

But while I was typing I got an invite to a reception at the Shakespeare Theatre celebrating FELA! coming to Washington, D.C.

So I'm over it.

Frozen In Place

I am working from home today and IMing with E (who is preggers with her first little one!!) about our two frozen embryos.

A frozen blastocyst.
The quandry I have is: Can I be a single parent? Is it fair to a child to bring them into a broken home? Will Mr. SLS be a good dad? (I ask that question because I believed he would be a great husband and that didn't turn out so well...)

But if I don't transfer them they will be destroyed. I repeat, if I don't transfer them they will be destroyed. I can't do that. It's life.

At worst, if I'm still undecided in May, we'll pay to freeze them another year. But we can't do that into infinity. Aside from the fact that I'm getting older, our lives can and will change. We will likely get involved with other people who may not want to be tangled up in this mess of not married, but having a baby together. I wouldn't.

And then there is a great chance that despite all this sturm and drang I could transfer the embryos (they are actually five-day blastocysts) and not get pregnant. Sigh.

Or I could transfer them and get two babies. O_O

OR one or both of them could split and give me three or four babies. O___O

I feel like there is a simple solution to this that I am not seeing or thinking of....

Odds and Ends. Mostly Odds

When the earth stopped shaking yesterday the first call I got once I could receive them, was not from my mama or my daddy (they were calls two and three) but from Mr. SLS. He says he is responsible for me and is always checking to see if I have money or gas in the car or need something.

I really really reallly wish there was someone else around here to take the trash out. I hate that chore.

I still don't have food in my fridge. Maybe someday.

I love the beach/lake. When I grow up I'm going to have a lake/beach house.

I went by Mr. SLS' house last week and when I walked in it was all dark and I thought, I'm so glad I don't live here any more. It did seem odd to see "my room" all empty.

When I walked into the house I was talking to my mother and I had to tinkle so I handed the phone to Mr. SLS while I went to potty. They talked for 20 minutes, long after I had finished my business. My mama misses her son-in-law.

I have a friend who is having an issue with a boss who yelled and berated her in a meeting. O_O I told her to pimp slap him across the mouth. You have to meet crazy AT crazy.

I have blackout blinds in my bedroom so if I close the door I don't know if it's day or night. That's kinda creepy but it helps when I need to take a nap.

I need somebody to hang pictures and stuff up on my walls.

I think I'm going to let my hair grow out. I usually keep it cut short.

What's odd with y'all?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

If You Need Me Call Me...

The drum rim shot throughout this piece is hawt. And the tambourine.

FWBs Follow Up

A few ladies who read my post about Friends With Benefits talked to me about it offline and they all said pretty much the same thing that TiffanyInHouston shared in the comments: They had tried it and regretted it, because what they really wanted (either with the "friend" or just generally) was to be in a relationship.

Ladies, why are we doing this to ourselves? Why settle for so little when we want so much more? And yes, I include myself in there because though I have never agreed to a cocoa-only relationship, I have stayed in situations that weren't giving me what I needed because of fear or laziness.

We have to do better. We have to love ourselves more. We have to be more respectful of and cautious with our bodies and hearts.

Don't get me wrong, I have been celibate for a year. Trust and believe that I understand how sometimes you just want to be held, to be touched, to be kissed. Intimacy is on the Hierarchy of Needs.

But please, let's not agree to these FWB or other "in the meantime" crappy situations when what we really want is a love relationship and all that comes with it.

We are all better than that.

                                                                                 (((hugs)))

Don't worry about me....

I know I often post here about being sad or hurt or whatever, but some of that is how I work through stuff. I am not always able to talk things out with people. I once had a friend tell me I was her "good news" girlfriend. That by the time she knew there was a problem or anything wrong, I had solved or dealt with it and was back on track. I have a hard time letting people help or support me emotionally. My default when it gets real bad is to shut down and burrow in.

One of the best things about being married IMO, was having someone to lean on. Mr. SLS was the first person I knew I could talk to about anything. Losing that has been just one more thing I have to adjust to and, I'll admit that part of the Sunday tears was because I just couldn't talk to him about some of what was bothering me -- the loss of a friendship that, for reasons I still don't understand, hit me hard and the effort I put out to help someone last weekend, only to get shitted on. All I could do was cry.

So I write it all down here and even as much as I post, I still don't share everything that's bothering me.

But believe me, this has been a great summer. For that matter, it's been a great year, better than I could have imagined this time last year when everything seemed so bleak. I made some new friends, reconnected with old ones and learned a few new things about myself.

And know that I laugh at least as much as I cry.

I'm good!



Monday, August 22, 2011

This is for you E!

My friend E sent me an IM saying, "You haven't done a post in a few hours, eh hem?"

So, this post is JUST FOR E! *waves*



That is all. Thanks and bye.

"I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any mother*** way." -- Training Day

"I've been planning this all week, son."
I am generally a cup half full type. I know I have a good life cause I have seen some folks with some real issues -- health, money etc.

But I get the blues sometimes, damn. This past weekend I had the blues. My feelings were hurt about a few things (and I am MAD AS HELL THAT THEY WERE HURT. MAD I TELL YOU! CAUSE IT'S MY OWN DAMN FAULT, I DID IT ALL TO MYSELF) and I couldn't really talk to anybody about it, so I felt overwhelmed and by the time Mr. SLS and I were on the phone yesterday I was just done in.

So, I went to bed as a sheep. When I got up this morning though? I was wolf. Arrrrrrooooooooooooooooo!

What did Denzel say in Training Day? "The shit's chess, it ain't checkers."

I don't play chess though. Hm.

Excuse Yourself Nicely

Back before I met Mr. SLS I was dating two young men. Both of these gentleman were dating purposefully and were dating me with hopes of it growing to marriage. I was honest with them that I was dating other people, but I, too, was dating with an eye toward marriage.

I had some great dates with these guys. One took me to Philly to go antique shopping and when we got to one really quirky/artsy shop owned by a friend of his that had a piano in it, he had arranged for a piano player to be there to play some songs so I could sing. (That's when I was working hardcore with a vocal coach and hoping to be a jazz singer. You know, like Sarah "Sassy" Vaughan)

The other guy and I took his nephew to the Spy Museum and had the best time acting like kids and spies. He also took me ice skating.

I was enjoying both of them and the attention and appreciated that they were both respectful of me and didn't push or pressure me for physical stuff.

Then I met Mr. SLS. And that was pretty much it for me. I was off the market.

I knew fading to the black was not fair  in regard to the other men who, while not madly in love with me, had invested some time and energy in courting me. I was a grown woman and I needed to be honest and forthright with them as well as respectful of their feelings.

It was hard but, I told them that I had met someone that I thought was really special and I needed to let that situation play out. Both guys thanked me for my honesty and wished me luck. I am friendly with both of them still.

Sometimes it's hard to disappoint people, to deal with the potential blowback of hurt feelings. But I think you get back what you put out there.

So my advice to all of you considering the fade out is this: Man (or woman) up, excuse yourself nicely, then get the hell on.

Thanks and bye.

You Can't Go Back. No, Really, Don't Do It

A friend and I were talking recently about about her breakup with a guy she has been in love with for at least 20 years.

No, no, no, they didn't date for that long, that's just how long she has had feelings for him. It's sort of a Carrie and Big situation actually. They were hot and heavy back in the day and then broke up when he told her he wasn't ready to go deeper. Then the next thing you know he is married to this other chick and miserable. My friend stayed away, of course, but she always wondered why he wasn't ready for her but was ready for the other chick.

Fast forward to last year and dude and wifey are divorcing. He finds out through mutual friends that my friend is in the area (they dated long distance) and looks her up. He explains how he chose poorly (the other chick was hot and he was led by his loins. Sigh. I need for grown azz men to do better than this right here cause all these people are 10 years older than me). She keeps him at arm's length for a bit, but finally gives in. After several months of hot and heavy she realizes she *still* isn't getting what she needs from this man.

So she asks for it.

He tries but he's still bitter about choosing poorly when he got married so now he's gunshy. He says.

My friend walks. It was hard and she is crushed.

I think the movies have convinced us that the Bigs will wake up one day and realize that the Carries are the loves of their lives and then move heaven and earth to be with her.

*GiggleSnort* That's some BS.

I think my friend needed to have this second experience with this guy to shake the "what ifs," but in general I am anti-second chances.

How about y'all?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

IT'S THE END TIMES!

My mother has finally -- after joining two months ago -- figured out how to use Facebook and now she's commenting on my posts. *holds head in hands*

She has 15 friends, including me and my daddy (and a work colleague of mine that she doesn't even know, I don't think, which is BEYOND odd).

If you are friends with me on Facebook, I apologize in advance for any tomfoolery from Mama SLS.

That is all. Thanks and bye.

Why must I cry?

I just talked to Mr. SLS and hung up the phone crying. Which made me mad. At me, not him since I was the one blubbering over I don't even know what now and the conversation just ended 15 minutes ago. He didn't know either and was trying to figure out what to say to me to make it right. Lemme see...nothing? Cause it is never going to be right with us again.

Andalsoplus I just figured out that I am crazy. (OK, I didn't *just* figure this out but whateva) 

So there you have it.

But, hey, I did manage to dig this video out the bowels of hell and it dried all my tears up.




"Sit back relax and let yourself go" -- A Tribe Called Quest

Do y'all watch Luther? This show is pretty much everything I love wrapped into one series: Idris Elba, U.K. setting, crime drama -- this show is every.single.thing. WATCH IT! You can stream season one on Netflix.

I also got a chance to see Beats, Rhymes and Life: The Travels of A Tribe Called Quest recently and I loved it, too! It took me back to my college days and going to the 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. party then hopping a ride to the 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. party. I plan to see that in the theater again before it's gone. Check it out.

I am also a fan of Castle, as I've noted here a couple of times, mostly because I love Nathan Fillion (Firefly or Serenity anyone?!) almost as much as I love Idris Elba.
Fillion is a writer, Richard Castle, who shadows a lady cop on the show, Kate Beckett, as research for his novels about a lady cop, Nikki Heat. To help promote the show they have actually published the Nikki Heat novels written by Richard Castle and I'm just corny enough to have bought them for my iPad. I read them when I am captive somewhere like on the Metro or in a waiting room. There's a graphic novel, too, that was introduced this last season and Mr. SLS saw a promo for it (Marvel is putting it out, which means it will be GOOD) in the comic book store recently (we have our own box at the comic store which makes us premium customers so we get stuff early/first) and said he will get it for me when it comes out next month.

Finally, keep an eye out for the second season of Downton Abbey. If you're skeptical just know that anything Dame Maggie Smith is in will be good. It's Dame Maggie Smith people!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

My soul is tired right now

I am trying hard right now not to just shut down. I have done that before and it is hurtful to those people who really care about me and gives too much power to those people who could care less.

But my soul is weary of my life.

I need to learn to be a better judge of character and recognize that some folks have none.

I need to learn to be as selfish with me/my feelings as I am with my money and things.

I need to learn how to stop making the wrong people and their problems my concern and priority.


Damaged Goods

The grand romance my friends had hoped would be sparked between me and dude didn't happen last night.

Mainly because I wasn't in the mood for chitchatting and small talking and getting to know someone. It wasn't even the shy/awkward thing with me this time.

Don't get me wrong, the guy was perfectly nice -- attractive, smart, all that -- and I was friendly enough, but I did not exhibit my usual SLS sparkle and charm. My friends noticed and huddled for a Plan B, but I shut that down.

No, the issue was that a few of the people we were hanging out with "know" me, but didn't know me and Mr. SLS were broken up so I was asked a few times where he was, how he was doing and when his next gig would be and I had to explain we weren't together any longer (because the alternative was to have them thinking I was stepping out on my husband), which always leads to "OMG! Are you serious?! You two seemed so happy together and such fun. What happened?! When did this happen?! Are you OK?" to which I then respond, "It just didn't work out. It was tough for awhile, but I'm doing better now" which leads to them saying "I am SO sorry. I didn't even know anything was wrong. You two always seemed to love each other. Damn."

And with that as a backdrop, I started feeling like damaged ruined marriage still married goods and chopping it up with some new dude just seemed wrong and out of order.

I was home in my bed by 11:30 p.m. and the guy gave me his number and asked me to call and let him know I got home alright, which I did.

And that's that.

Friday, August 19, 2011

"She's Got A Way" -- Billy Joel

To the horror of my stepbrother @tchalla7 who is organizing a prayer vigil for me right now, I'm listening to my "Chicago" station on #Pandora. LOL!

A Billy Joel song came on and it reminded me of a moment in my marriage.

On the weekends Mr. SLS would get up early and turn on some music in our bedroom before going to clean or tutor or practice or rehearse or whatever. I always slept in.

One day he got up and I was awake but laying in the bed quietly looking out of the window. He watched me for a minute then put on this song:



Then he got back in the bed with me.

It was really good with us until it wasn't. Sigh.


A Blast From The Past

Last week I was telling the teacher about my college boyfriend and that things were way too serious with us and how we broke up etc.

Earlier this week my cousin sent me a pic of a formal portrait college beau and I had taken that I had completely forgotten about.

I sent to the old boyfriend (yes, we are still in touch mumblemumblemumble years later) and we laughed about how young we were (I looked liked I was 12 in this photo) and caught up cause we haven't talked in a few months.

One thing that helped sour our relationship -- aside from me being too young and immature for all that seriousness -- was when his dad decided he didn't like me. His dad was (is) very overbearing and had very specific ideas about what a "good wife" would be for his three sons. Basically she needed to be college educated -- preferably with several advanced degrees -- and willing to sit at home and raise a gaggle of kids and and cook and wash his son's feet. Old bullshit like that.

His father liked the girl one of his older brothers was dating (we were dormmates) because she was very docile and submissive. They got married and my old beau told me that she is just as docile now.

He liked me, too, until he found out that even though I was 17 (I went to college a year early because I skipped a grade way back when), I was not docile. As a matter of fact, I was bossy and mouthy. LOL!

One day his dad came to campus to take me, my boyfriend and his brother to a movie, and while we waited for his brother to come out of his dorm his dad said something about how when we got married (did I tell y'all I was 17?!!!) we should have five sons because their family was small and needed to grow. Or something. All I heard was, "five babies."

Instead of nodding and tolerating the crazy old man that was my boyfriend's dad, I said, "My parents did not sacrifice to send me to college so that I could push out five babies and sit at home all day."

Now, I don't remember what he said in response, but later my boyfriend told me his dad started saying to him, "Son, there are other fish in the sea." LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZ

ANYWAY, it seems that mean old papa did not mellow with time. His oldest son and his wife aren't speaking to him. At all. Apparently daddy overstepped his boundaries one time too many in criticizing her. And he gave my college beau's second wife such a hard time when they first married that they weren't speaking for awhile either.

Nope, the only wife in his good graces is the one who had all the babies and never worked. *insert laserbeam side-eye right here*

It was cool to catch up.

Do You Care How Many Other People Your Mate Has "Been With"?!? from @averagebro

I care. As I said in the comments over on AverageBro.com, I don't want to step out with my man and every other chick's face I look into is somebody who knows the size, shape and other details of his member.

I'm selfish like that. *shrug*

Plus, I like the idea that a guy would be a bit discriminating about who he whipped it out for, you know? Somebody who doesn't stick and move. *snicker*

No One Monkey Stops The Show

Apparently my girlfriends don't read my blog because they have decided to set me up with a young man.

I pointed out some of the things I have written in the past few days -- I'm still married, I'm not sure I'm ready for all that -- they said pishposh.

When I added that I'm currently licking a teeny tiny wound inflicted by the teacher, they threw my own stuff back at me: "don't no one monkey stop the show!"

What cracks me up is the elaborate plan that they have cooked up for me and this fella that he is not privvy to. When I heard all these shenanigans, all I could think about (while laughing) is the scene in "Two Can Play That Game" when Anthony Anderson says, "The C.I.A. ain't got shit on a woman with a plan."

We shall see.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

When people show you who they are....

...believe them the first time.

I am sitting here sorting through some feelings I have about someone who it would appear has let me down. I didn't think they would let me down.

You see, I had high hopes that this person would keep their word or, at the very least reach out with an explanation or apology, because I have listened to them talk about how they have been burned by people with hidden agendas that were not who they said they were and how important truth, honesty, transparency, having a strong faith and working hard at being a good person is for some several months.

I assumed this person would treat me with the care and respect that they wanted.

Instead I am (re)learning a (expensive) lesson about how sometimes people say one thing and do another.

Duly noted. *writes name down onnnnnnnnn LIST! breaks pencil point*


Where is your "place?"

"My place is wherever I am supposed to be. My job in that place is to discover my role and set forth on the path to accomplishing the task before me."
I read this on a blog last week and ever since I've been thinking: What is my place? Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing?

Right now, I don't know. I spend a lot of time (too much time?!!!) thinking about why things happen, what I did (or didn't do) to make them happen that way, what might I have done differently.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not talking regrets. I have few of those, and I try hard not to make the same mistakes twice. Or three times. OK, four times is the MAX.

No, I am talking about what is God's purpose for me and how can I get about fulfilling it, especially now that some of the plans I had for myself, such as being a mom, seem less and less attainable.

What is your place, your purpose?

FWBs? No

Over on Black 'N Bougie (@onechele) yesterday, there was a conversation sparked by a young man writing in asking if he had handled a situation correctly with a young woman.

Fresh out of college and knowing he wasn't quite ready for a heavy relationship, the young man met a woman and very honestly told her he wanted to date with no strings attached. She says OK, they commence to dating and enjoying grown folks time and then the young lady gets upset that they aren't in a relationship. He's confused because he thought they had agreed that there would be no relationship and wonders if he has done something wrong.

Over in Bougieland, one of the posters, Coretta, made this comment and I co-signed on it:
...in my opinion sex is never really "casual." There are too many physical, emotional, chemical and/or spiritual entanglements for most people (after all they are literally becoming one) in this most intimate of intimate acts, and it should never be handled casually.
I can honestly say that in all my years, if I took my clothes off and laid down with someone, I thought (<--note this word right here) we were in a relationship. Now, I will admit that in my twenties I didn't always VERBALLY confirm that and I learned a hard and hurtful lesson. You can only hold a person accountable to what you have discussed and agreed to, not what you thought, wished and/or hoped. But I have *never* laid down with someone who said outright to me, this is all you get, this thing dangling between my legs.

I have always had "good girl" issues. That's a term Honeysmoke and I came up with back in the day to describe the conflicted feelings around having grown folks time outside of marriage. I can remember asking her after she got married if it was different and she said she felt more secure.

Once I got married I understood exactly what she meant. The intimate relationship Mr. SLS and I shared was the most liberating for me. This was my husband and I was free to be as freaky with him as I wanted to be, no judgment, no guilt. As a result, it was the *best* intimate relationship I have had. I thought Mr. SLS was the last man I would ever sleep with.

We stopped touching each other a year ago and, as I noted in this post, I haven't even so much as kissed another man (unless pointing my lips once in the general direction of someone's cheek and making that smacking sound with my lips is considered a kiss).

I often feel sad about the loss of affection and the lack of intimacy. I sleep alone. Every night. In the past few months when I have needed to be touched I would call on the teacher for hugs. I have also called on Mr. SLS for hugs, though those feel differently now that our emotional connection is severed.

I know that many people are able to separate the emotion from the physical act. I am not one of those people.

Plus I am still married and...something about sleeping with someone when I am legally attached to someone else just seems wrong to me, no matter what Mr. SLS may have done.

So for the unforeseen future, I will remain upright, with both feet on the floor and a nickel between my knees.

Coming up for air!!!

I just scared the beejeebus out my coworkers (and myself) when I swallowed wrong and sucked decaf coffee down into my STILL phlegmy and congested lungs, couldn't breathe, started choking and coughing and finally I had to go the bathroom and throw up so that I could breathe. And type, apparently.

Now my lungs and throat feel like brillo pads.

Good grief Charlie Brown!

Getting Married, Being Married, Staying Married

I am a regular reader/poster over at "Rantings of a Creole Princess."

On Tuesday she had a long letter from a woman asking for help with her foundering marriage.

Not many people offered advice. Frankly, I didn't know exactly what to tell the lady.

But one of the other regular posters, Erica B. (who is a bad mofo on the sewing machine!), offered up some sage advice from her 20-year marriage that moved me so much in its honesty I had to share a portion of it here:
I've had a shitty marriage that was on the brink of divorce. I know what it feels like to live like roommates, discuss only kids and household shit and just go through the motions. We didn't talk it out. We did shit the hard way. We both made bad decisions. And I know what it feels like to come out on the other side, happier than I could ever imagine that we could be... knowing that we are now strong enough as a couple to overcome ANYTHING! BUT we BOTH had a desire to make it better!
I only "know" Erica B. through her blog and her posts on CreoleinDC's blog and I'll admit that I sort of assumed, based on her comments, that she had always had a strong and happy marriage.

Reading that comment, however, just underscored how much work and effort you have to put in to a marriage/relationship.

I feel good about the effort I made to try and stay married. I know I did the best I could, and I doubt I will look back thinking "if only."

But I will admit that, as much as I know I want to be (and WILL be) married again, I am scared. I haven't even kissed a man that wasn't my husband since 2005. The thought of opening myself up to someone the way I did with Mr. SLS (and ONLY Mr. SLS!) is frightening right now. I am not sure I could do the work required. Not right now.

As such, I deactivated my match.com profile. Aside from the fact that I hadn't even looked at that site since sometime early last month, it's a waste of money right now. I am not a serial dater, no matter how much I encourage others to do so, I am a nester. One man, one me.

And, as someone painfully reminded me recently, no matter how separated I am, I am *still* married. Until I get that worked out, I need to sit my ass down as I am limited both emotionally and legally in what I can offer right now.

Bringing it back around to the woman who needed the advice, I am prayerful that she and her husband will work through their issues and get to the place where Erica B. and her husband were able to get to. Many blessings to all of them.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Powering Down

OK, the last few days of little to no sleep have finally hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm about to nod off over here in cubeland. I can't wait to get home so I can get in my bed. At 6:30 p.m.

There *is* good news, however! I just had the best salad ever for lunch, and that's saying something as I have eaten a LOT of salad in my day. It was the Steak and Asparagus salad from Busboys and Poets: All natural grassfed steak with mixed field greens, tomatoes, caramelized onions, and cucumbers tossed in balsamic vinaigrette with gorgonzola cheese.







Sweaty Palms

I woke up this morning feeling anxious because I had to talk to some college students about what I do, future trends in my industry etc. and I literally had no idea what I was going to say.

But when I walked in the door and saw it was a small group I relaxed a little and once I got started everything flowed well, I think. They asked questions and seemed engaged and I feel like I came away with some new knowledge, too.

I don't know why I let myself get so worked up about the unknown. I always jump anyway, so you'd think at this point I would be over the anxiety, but nope. I'm always worked up.

As in, last night I couldn't sleep thinking about this and trying to figure out what I was going to say to these kids worked up. Now I have bags under my eyes. That is not attractive. LOL!

I have another something I need to do today and now I'm nervous about that, too. I'm a little mad that I'm anxious about this task because it's really just me asserting myself and no matter how shy and awkward I might be, I have *never* been a wilting flower.

So I'll do a little inner peptalk and then handle my business. Sometime today. Or maybe this evening. Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow morning. Friday?


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

This 37-second video clip sums up my mother completely. That is all.

Mixed Nuts

I am still hacking and coughing. Still. My editors said (jokingly) this morning they may put me in quarantine. Again. No seriously, I was quarantined last fall when I had shingles because I sit in a cube space and, at the time, I was surrounded by pregnant women and folks who had never had chicken pox. I was moved to a little solitary windowless office for a day or so (this was election day and I was needed) and then HR said, you need to go the hell home until the doc says all is clear. Good times, those.

As I was running out of the house this morning I saw the box from the housewarming gift one of my girlfriends brought me on Saturday and I thought, I FORGOT TO WRITE A THANK YOU NOTE! and clutched my pearls. I'll get on that today.

I might pick up my knitting project this weekend. It's all crooked and strange looking because somehow I got off in my count and dropped some stitches, but still, I should finish it. It can be a little scarf for my friend's doggy.

This morning I went upstairs to our tiny cafeteria to get my one cup of decaf and morning fruit and I smelled bacon. Ten minutes later I was back at my desk with a full on bre-fus -- grits with cheese, eggs, bacon, and a biscuit. I have the itis. It's 10:30 in the morning. *blink*

I am cold all the time. My thermostat is on 77 this week. Up from 75 where it's been locked since I cut it on back in May. And my house is chilly willy. I do use a ceiling fan in my bedroom as I need some air circulating.

I spend too much time in my bedroom. I need to make more use of the fitty-leven other rooms in my house.

I only cook when other people are in my house to feed. So, basically, I have cooked in my new kitchen five times since I moved back. Three of those times were for the teacher. Two were for my mama. I've been there since April 30. Wait! I did cook an eggwhite omelet a couple of months ago. So six times.

My refrigerator never seems to have anything other than hors d'oeuvres in it. I swear I go to the market all.the.time, but when I open it to get something to eat there's nothing in there but stuffed olives, garlic hummus, fancy cheese, crisps, sparkling water and Prosecco.

What's up random with y'all?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Ugh. Can't shake this cold

This is why I HATE summer colds. They linger. *coughs and wheezes way to meeting*

Sunday, August 14, 2011

More divorce fodder

I talked to Mr. SLS Saturday when he got back in town and the vibe was...different. He admitted that though I said I was going to the courthouse to file for divorce, he still thought I was just going to pick up the paperwork. He didn't expect me to come back with a court date and all that. He thought we would chat about it this week.

I am guessing here, but I think it threw him off a little because in the year we have gone from happily (I thought) married to living apart, I never pushed for divorce.

In fact, last summer I begged him to not give up on our marriage. That's right, I said BEGGED. When he moved out the first time that didn't take I told him not to say we were splitting up, just say we were taking some time apart. I stressed to him that, at some point, things will go too far, too much will have happened and been said that can't be forgotten or ignored and we will not be able to come back from that.

But as hard as I fought to stay married, he fought even harder to break up. He was over it. He was over me. He didn't want me any more. He didn't want to be married any more. Marriage was not for him, ESPECIALLY marriage to me. Why did I even WANT to stay married to him after what he did, he would ask? The fact that he could cheat should be enough to shut the whole thing down, in his opinion. He didn't understand that I could hate what he did, but still love him and want to save our marriage.

When I asked him to move out the second time I had shut down inside. The bond that we used to share, the physical, emotional and spiritual connection, was gone. Even he said, "you are over me."

Still, I ate and cried and lost hair and couldn't sleep, got shingles on the right side my body and gained weight. I couldn't understand how he could be so sure he wanted out of our marriage, so definitively NOT in love with me any more. This was the same man who held me and wiped my snot when I came out of our first egg retrieval crying from pain and fear and begging any and every one I could see to please let me go home to my mama. He had held my hand and watched the tiny dots on the monitor as the doctor transferred our embryos, and still has the photo of our first embies hidden in the top corner of his closet. All that could just be thrown away to lay between the thighs of some whores?

Then one day I stopped trying to stay married. I am pretty sure the moment I gave up was when my mama told me my marriage was over. The thing is what Mr. SLS didn't get was that all that time I was crying and pleading with him, I knew what he did not: I would fight for as long as I could to fix us, probably longer than some folks would, but when I was done, when I had decided I had done all I could, that I had had enough, that would be it.

That said, I took no steps toward getting divorced for the reasons I listed in the other two posts. I don't think he will fight me over the divorce or anything like that, but I sense the dynamics of our interaction are changing.


Friendship Reciprocation

I had a couple of friends over last night, including and especially two ladies who have been great blessings to me -- one that I blogged about two years ago and another who let me cry in her office during the lowest and hardest times last year when I couldn't get through a day without breaking down. I was glad I could do something nice for those ladies, even if it was a small something.

I can be a terrible friend sometimes because I am selfish and too often self-involved. MY problems, MY issues, MY stuff. I think the relationship that I take the most from is my friendship with Honeysmoke. Though she is dealing with some heavy issues right now, she always makes time for me. Even when it is bath time for her kids. Last week she sent flowers as an apology to ME because SHE thought she hadn't been a great friend to me during a recent trip. Sigh.

I need to be a better friend. This is non-negotiable. Friendship is not a one-way street. No GOOD relationship can survive if one person does all the giving and the other does all the taking.

Something I *really* need to reflect on is this: In my relationships with women, I am often the taker. In my relationships with men, I am often the giver.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Workplace behavior

A coworker and I had an exchange earlier where we agreed to disagree in the end but I'm going to put this out there to you guys as I am curious what you think.

I think that we should all be professional in the workplace. That said, I ALSO think coworkers should be cognizant of what mood a coworker is in. We are employees but we are people, too, and that doesn't end when we punch in to work.

For ME that means that if I ask someone a question and they are a bit snappy with me, I back off and leave them be. I don't know why that person is snappy. Maybe they went to file divorce papers today. Or got a flat tire on the way to work. Or had a fight with their spouse. Or don't feel well.

I say, read the context clues and act accordingly. This person is not in the mood for me and all my questions right now. I'll email them if it's urgent, or talk to them later if it's not.

My coworker says you should go out of your way to explain now is not a good time yadayada.

I'm not disputing that, but, there are some people here (and we were talking about a SPECIFIC CO-IRKER) for whom that would not be enough. Because, then, they would want to know why? What's wrong? Are you OK? Can I help? Is there anything I can do?

And, I'm hateful enough to say, "Yes, there's something you can do, you can leave me the f*** alone!" Which, if they had read the initial context clues, body language, terse initial response etc., they should have picked up that I am not, at that moment, in the mood for answering a bunch of nosy azz questions.

I can accept if I am wrong about this as I am admittedly moody, hateful and funnyactin'. LOL!

PAPERS FILED, COURT DATE SET!

Y'all know when I decide to do something I don't let my feet get heavy, right?

After I posted earlier about some of the reasons I hadn't filed for divorce yet, I decided to walk my self on down the street to the courthouse and file the papers. I don't need to wait for Mr. SLS to do that.

I texted him to send me his SS# (cause I always transpose two numbers in it when I try to do it from memory) and that I would go ahead and file the papers rat now. He said, OK, sent me that and his drivers license number, and then he transferred money into my account to pay the filing fee. That ninja is rhet to be done with me. LOL!

So, as of 2:15 p.m. today, Friday, Aug. 12, the divorce papers are filed and the court date is set. Apparently it's pretty straightforward when you don't have babies, money and stuff to argue over.

As I walked down the street to the courthouse, I had to admit to myself that another reason I hadn't filed (beyond those I listed earlier) was I wanted him to divorce ME. I didn't like the idea of some legal file somewhere saying that I quit my marriage. Cause I didn't. HE did. I remained faithful and steadfast to the vows that I made to him in front of our friends, family and loved ones.

But waiting for him to file was stupid of me because, it's no skin off his back if we ever get divorced. He's dickin' around with whomever whenever anyway. And he doesn't want another wife. In fact, I'm surprised he brought it up. If I cared more, I'd probe to see why but...whatever.

I, on the other hand, want to be married. I want the marriage I thought THIS one was going to be -- love, honor, respect, friendship, laughter, intimacy, companionship -- all that 'til death do us part. And I know in my heart I will have it. Maybe not next week or next month or next year, but I will have it. Because, despite everything, I still believe in love and commitment.

However, I can't have any of that if I'm still legally married to Mr. SLS.

OK, enough of this for now. But know that just as I gave you blow-by-blows of my infertility experience and my fibroid surgery and my marriage dissolving, you are going to get a lot of "the road to divorce" posts.

Thanks for reading/listening, y'all.

I can breathe out of my nose again....

...So I came to work today. But, I am not 100 percent as I still have a cough and some sinus issues.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY is my co-irker on my nerves and I've only been in the building for a little more than two hours?

Earlier our editor sent a note out asking if someone could do something today because the person who normally does it is out. I said I would handle.

Co-irker -- who was on the email thread -- sends me a note later, asking if I'm doing or she is doing it. Can you read? Did you say you would do it? Was my note saying "I would do it" unclear? Why are you asking this question?!

Then she sends me a note asking if someone else is in. How the f*** do I know about somebody else's schedule?! Check the vacation calendar!

Also STOP STEPPING INSIDE MY BUBBLE OF PERSONAL SPACE! Your body should never touch mine unless we are smushed together in a crowded elevator.

/vent

Post vomit, Paperwork and Parenthood

I love how I went from "I have nothing to say y'all" to fitty-leven posts in two days. LOL! But, you know how it is, feast or famine.

Anyway, Mr. SLS and I are supposed to get together and file divorce papers when he's back in town next week (he's been out of town for a couple of weeks). It's hilarious that he brought this up on Wednesday for reasons I won't get into here. All I could do was laugh. Timing man. TIMING.

I hadn't rushed the divorce stuff even though TiffanyNHouston ordered me a bit ago to get on the good foot. I couldn't get my head around the whole frozen embryos thing. The old school part of me wanted to not check "single" on my child's birth certificate, you know? Something about that is shameful to me. Just as divorce is shameful to me.

But really, whether the marriage is over on paper or not (cause trust me it is over in every other way), if I transfer the embies and it works, I am going to be a single (divorced) mom raising a baby. I can play with semantics all I like that will not make this situation different than it is.

Back in May I printed the paperwork from the D.C. government website so all I had to do was whip it out and fill it in. The only part where I am hung up is the changing my name back part. It seems D.C. allows you to do that in the divorce filing docs.

When I wrote about this issue in March, I was firm: I would NOT be changing my name back. But now that it's an option and an easy one at that, I'm contemplating it. The only hesitation is, again, the embies. I don't want to have a different last name than my baby. But, this assumes that I do the embies and that they work.

ARRRGGGHHHHHH! <--*Charlie Brown yell* Why must I make simple stuff so hard?! I'll just keep the damn name. When I remarry I can change it then.

So, to sum up this too long and rambling post: I am filing for divorce in the next few days. And if we go downtown together to file, I can serve him right there and we can get that out of the way, too. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The road to recovery!

After a day of catnapping, some oreos, a long hot shower, lots of sparkling water, a soak in the tub, a visit by my friend to drop off my favorite puppy to cheer me up and keep me company, and an offer from my mama to bring me some hot soup, I do believe I am on the mend!

I love my mama

Yesterday I got my feelings hurt. And I got a little teary about it.

So I called my mama. As I explained what happened to hurt my feelings I dunno if it was because I am sick or because I am hormonal or just that I was hurt that much, but I burst out in tears. IN MY CAR. ON THE COMMUTE HOME. And I am talking full on can't catch your breath tears. I had to pull over.

Sigh.

My mama talked to me until I felt better and laid some wisdom on me too.

Sometimes I hate that I am so sensitive, but at least I feel something.

And I am grateful that when I need them my parents are there to listen to me bawl on the phone.


I am home sick

The head cold took me out.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Revelations!

I was on the road again last week and I think I've managed to get a summer cold.

I took the train to Philly and I gotta tell you, I was tooooooo finished with Amtrak by the time I arrived after the train I was on broke down and we had to be offloaded then squeezed onto new trains. Still, the ride back was uneventful.

I got to see some folks I haven't seen in a long time and catch up. I also did some networking. All in all it was a productive few days.

I'm contemplating letting someone I'm really crushing on read this blog. Part of me wants to and another part of me is like, don't do it. DON'T DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

When I started this blog, Mr. SLS and I had an agreement that this was my space. He wouldn't read unless I asked him to and then it would be just the specific post or whatever. I wanted to feel like I could just write whatever I wanted, whatever I was feeling, and not think about my audience so much. As in, "well, I shouldn't write that because it would hurt his or her feelings." As far as I know, he honored that agreement.

But, I have to admit, I have not written some posts because I know they would be hurtful to some friends who read the blog.

That said, this is a little bit different because this person wants to read as a means of learning more about me. What if they don't like what they find out? What if they walk away disgusted with me? *wrings hands*

But you know what? I'm going to do it. Because if he reads and doesn't like what I've shared, well, that's telling me something, too.

So...here goes. *squeezes nose, jumps into deep part of pool*