"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Thursday, August 18, 2011

FWBs? No

Over on Black 'N Bougie (@onechele) yesterday, there was a conversation sparked by a young man writing in asking if he had handled a situation correctly with a young woman.

Fresh out of college and knowing he wasn't quite ready for a heavy relationship, the young man met a woman and very honestly told her he wanted to date with no strings attached. She says OK, they commence to dating and enjoying grown folks time and then the young lady gets upset that they aren't in a relationship. He's confused because he thought they had agreed that there would be no relationship and wonders if he has done something wrong.

Over in Bougieland, one of the posters, Coretta, made this comment and I co-signed on it:
...in my opinion sex is never really "casual." There are too many physical, emotional, chemical and/or spiritual entanglements for most people (after all they are literally becoming one) in this most intimate of intimate acts, and it should never be handled casually.
I can honestly say that in all my years, if I took my clothes off and laid down with someone, I thought (<--note this word right here) we were in a relationship. Now, I will admit that in my twenties I didn't always VERBALLY confirm that and I learned a hard and hurtful lesson. You can only hold a person accountable to what you have discussed and agreed to, not what you thought, wished and/or hoped. But I have *never* laid down with someone who said outright to me, this is all you get, this thing dangling between my legs.

I have always had "good girl" issues. That's a term Honeysmoke and I came up with back in the day to describe the conflicted feelings around having grown folks time outside of marriage. I can remember asking her after she got married if it was different and she said she felt more secure.

Once I got married I understood exactly what she meant. The intimate relationship Mr. SLS and I shared was the most liberating for me. This was my husband and I was free to be as freaky with him as I wanted to be, no judgment, no guilt. As a result, it was the *best* intimate relationship I have had. I thought Mr. SLS was the last man I would ever sleep with.

We stopped touching each other a year ago and, as I noted in this post, I haven't even so much as kissed another man (unless pointing my lips once in the general direction of someone's cheek and making that smacking sound with my lips is considered a kiss).

I often feel sad about the loss of affection and the lack of intimacy. I sleep alone. Every night. In the past few months when I have needed to be touched I would call on the teacher for hugs. I have also called on Mr. SLS for hugs, though those feel differently now that our emotional connection is severed.

I know that many people are able to separate the emotion from the physical act. I am not one of those people.

Plus I am still married and...something about sleeping with someone when I am legally attached to someone else just seems wrong to me, no matter what Mr. SLS may have done.

So for the unforeseen future, I will remain upright, with both feet on the floor and a nickel between my knees.

1 comment:

  1. I've been in a FWB situation before and it started out easy but then got harder, not because I wanted to be in a relationship with that particular dude, cause honestly he was just something to do (literally and figuratively). But I kept feeling empty because I knew I really wanted a relationship and the chex had diminishing returns after a while. I eventually faded to black on dude.

    I felt better about myself in the long run, too.


Use your inside voice ... or I'll put you outside. -- SingLikeSassy