On Tuesday she had a long letter from a woman asking for help with her foundering marriage.
Not many people offered advice. Frankly, I didn't know exactly what to tell the lady.
But one of the other regular posters, Erica B. (who is a bad mofo on the sewing machine!), offered up some sage advice from her 20-year marriage that moved me so much in its honesty I had to share a portion of it here:
I've had a shitty marriage that was on the brink of divorce. I know what it feels like to live like roommates, discuss only kids and household shit and just go through the motions. We didn't talk it out. We did shit the hard way. We both made bad decisions. And I know what it feels like to come out on the other side, happier than I could ever imagine that we could be... knowing that we are now strong enough as a couple to overcome ANYTHING! BUT we BOTH had a desire to make it better!I only "know" Erica B. through her blog and her posts on CreoleinDC's blog and I'll admit that I sort of assumed, based on her comments, that she had always had a strong and happy marriage.
Reading that comment, however, just underscored how much work and effort you have to put in to a marriage/relationship.
I feel good about the effort I made to try and stay married. I know I did the best I could, and I doubt I will look back thinking "if only."
But I will admit that, as much as I know I want to be (and WILL be) married again, I am scared. I haven't even kissed a man that wasn't my husband since 2005. The thought of opening myself up to someone the way I did with Mr. SLS (and ONLY Mr. SLS!) is frightening right now. I am not sure I could do the work required. Not right now.
As such, I deactivated my match.com profile. Aside from the fact that I hadn't even looked at that site since sometime early last month, it's a waste of money right now. I am not a serial dater, no matter how much I encourage others to do so, I am a nester. One man, one me.
And, as someone painfully reminded me recently, no matter how separated I am, I am *still* married. Until I get that worked out, I need to sit my ass down as I am limited both emotionally and legally in what I can offer right now.
Bringing it back around to the woman who needed the advice, I am prayerful that she and her husband will work through their issues and get to the place where Erica B. and her husband were able to get to. Many blessings to all of them.