I talked to Mr. SLS Saturday when he got back in town and the vibe was...different. He admitted that though I said I was going to the courthouse to file for divorce, he still thought I was just going to pick up the paperwork. He didn't expect me to come back with a court date and all that. He thought we would chat about it this week.
I am guessing here, but I think it threw him off a little because in the year we have gone from happily (I thought) married to living apart, I never pushed for divorce.
In fact, last summer I begged him to not give up on our marriage. That's right, I said BEGGED. When he moved out the first time that didn't take I told him not to say we were splitting up, just say we were taking some time apart. I stressed to him that, at some point, things will go too far, too much will have happened and been said that can't be forgotten or ignored and we will not be able to come back from that.
But as hard as I fought to stay married, he fought even harder to break up. He was over it. He was over me. He didn't want me any more. He didn't want to be married any more. Marriage was not for him, ESPECIALLY marriage to me. Why did I even WANT to stay married to him after what he did, he would ask? The fact that he could cheat should be enough to shut the whole thing down, in his opinion. He didn't understand that I could hate what he did, but still love him and want to save our marriage.
When I asked him to move out the second time I had shut down inside. The bond that we used to share, the physical, emotional and spiritual connection, was gone. Even he said, "you are over me."
Still, I ate and cried and lost hair and couldn't sleep, got shingles on the right side my body and gained weight. I couldn't understand how he could be so sure he wanted out of our marriage, so definitively NOT in love with me any more. This was the same man who held me and wiped my snot when I came out of our first egg retrieval crying from pain and fear and begging any and every one I could see to please let me go home to my mama. He had held my hand and watched the tiny dots on the monitor as the doctor transferred our embryos, and still has the photo of our first embies hidden in the top corner of his closet. All that could just be thrown away to lay between the thighs of some whores?
Then one day I stopped trying to stay married. I am pretty sure the moment I gave up was when my mama told me my marriage was over. The thing is what Mr. SLS didn't get was that all that time I was crying and pleading with him, I knew what he did not: I would fight for as long as I could to fix us, probably longer than some folks would, but when I was done, when I had decided I had done all I could, that I had had enough, that would be it.
That said, I took no steps toward getting divorced for the reasons I listed in the other two posts. I don't think he will fight me over the divorce or anything like that, but I sense the dynamics of our interaction are changing.