"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

From the SLS Archives: "Why do we do this to ourselves?"

This is a post from last August that made me laugh on a second read so thought I would re-post:

My girlfriend called yesterday to tell me she had decided she wanted her man back.

The short version is they got together six years ago, moved in together, sold their homes and bought one together, hit a pothole, didn't sort it out well, she got pregnant by accident in the middle of that, baby comes, she wants to get married, but hates being vulnerable and couldn't bring herself to tell him how she felt and her silence said to him she didn't care if he lived or breathed so he moved out two months ago and she watched him go. Baby is two and a half.

Two weeks ago she realized she had made a mistake so she broke down and said something. Her dude expresses shock because he had been waiting to hear all that for three years and now he's dating someone else. He needs to think about it.

She calls me explaining all this and then asks, "How do you keep doing this feelings and emotions and love stuff? I hate it. I hate the uncertainty! Why do we do this to ourselves? ARRRRGGGHH!"

I laughed but she was asking this as a SERIOUS question so I tried to give her a serious answer: "I don't know. I just keep believing it will work out."

I knew why she was asking me for advice, of all people. I told someone recently that I wear my heart on my sleeve. As such, I get my feelings hurt. A lot.

But I never stop believing I will have the love I want. My marriage is ending, but for four years I was happily and madly in love with Mr. SLS. And for all the shit talking I've done here recently, I know that he loved me, too, for at least some of that time.

Don't get me wrong. I HATEEEEEEEEEE dating. You know the early part where you're seeing someone and you feel a spark, but you're not sure it's mutual so you try to play it cool cause you don't want to get too excited, but you do all this thinking about them and your palms get sweaty when you call or text them because you don't want to call or text too much/often and in your head you're creating all kinds of scenarios for what they might be thinking when your name pops up on the screen because when their name pops up on your screen your stomach does flipflops and then when you go out on dates with them you chatter chatter chatter because you're nervous and wonder if you put on too much perfume and/or makeup and too few clothes and then at the end of the date you don't know what to do because you don't make moves on men, but boy his lips look soft and his eyes are soooo dreamy so you stand there looking stupid until he hugs you and you say goodnight and then it starts all over again? No? Just me? Oh, well, nevermind then.

Um, yeah. Where was I again? Oh, right, right, wearing my heart on my sleeve, never stop believing...

Basically, I never want to have regrets, so I take emotional risks. Sometimes they net results, sometimes I'm left laying in the bed nursing a head cold, eating Oreo cookies and watching court shows on TV.

But you have to keep trying, right?

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous8/15/2011

    Yes, you have to keep trying. And if I must say, I think you should put the fourth paragraph from the bottom all over a T-shirt, I think you might just be onto something.


Use your inside voice ... or I'll put you outside. -- SingLikeSassy