"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What I'm listening to right now....

The Preacher's Wife is not one of my favorite movies, but the soundtrack? On rotation every.single.Christmas and any other time I need encouragement. Anyway, I'm listening to this song from the movie right now and felt I needed to share.

.

Monday, November 28, 2011

What I Want For Christmas

I took advantage of the online sales and bought some things I needed -- white t-shirts, a black turtleneck, some rain/snow boots (FINALLY!), an orange cowl neck sweater to replace the one I spilled nail polish on while driving (<-- no I should not have been trying to do my nails as I drove to work, I know this!) and a couple other things.

I also bought Christmas gifts for my brother's daughter and got some of her stuff for half of what I was going to pay a month ago when I first picked them out so she actually got a little more than I had planned to give her initially.

I need to take care of my mom, my dad and step-mom, Niece SLS and my Grandma and then get a few little items for friends.

But when I was asked what I wanted, I couldn't think of anything. Well, there's nothing material that I want for Christmas.

However, there are intangibles. (I'm stealing a bit from Carrie Bradshaw here, but...) Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. Trust. Honesty. Friendship. Dependability. Passion. Intimacy. Affection.

That's what I would like for Christmas. New Year's. MLK Day. Valentine's Day. President's Day. Easter. Memorial Day. July 4th. Labor Day and on and on and on.

What's on your list?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Holidays, Children and Divorce

As I've noted here before, Mr. SLS and his family have asked me to please continue spending time with his 5-year-old niece and since I love her 5-going-on-35 self to pieces, I do. We have been doing a monthly outing/activity for a while now.

Well, on the last outing (we went to see Puss In Boots, hilarious movie) as I was driving her home, she asked me about taking something to Uncle SLS and I said, well, remember, me and Uncle SLS aren't married any more and I live in my house now so I won't be seeing him. She stopped talking to me and didn't talk to me again. When we got home I told her mom she was upset with me and her mom asked her why and she told her she was mad with me because I said she and Uncle SLS weren't married any more.

Sigh.

So, Thanksgiving comes and ex-sis-in-law invites me to dinner because Niece SLS really wants me there. As I said in my earlier post, I declined.

Apparently (per Mr. XSLS and XSIL in separate conversations) she asked where I was, got upset that I wasn't there, started crying and screamed, "It's not thanksgiving without Auntie SLS!"

Sigh.

When I was talking to her mom about this I said I was sorry and maybe I should scale back spending time with her. I also pointed out that Mr. SLS was seeing someone and may have decided to bring her to dinner, which would have been awkward for everyone and not fair to me or the new lady. So I took my azz on to my friend's where I was welcome and had fun.

XSIL said (in heavily accented English as Hebrew is her first language), "I don't know this new woman, but you are family, divorce or not, so I do not care if she is comfortable. My child loves you."

The sum up to all this is, it seems like it could be messy and there's a 5-year-old involved and I need to exit stage right.

Sigh.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanks And Blessings


Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who visits me here and reaches out to me via Twitter. I enjoy laughing with you and learning from you.

Today when I leave work, I am having dinner with CreoleinDC, someone I met via the Internet. It's cool the connections you can make via the Internet.

Last year I worked, but didn't have a plan for dinner or anything and it was the most depressing day I think I had ever spent. I feel terrible for people who aren't able to at least share a meal with coworkers or someone.

My ex-sister-in-law (the one I like who is the mom of the niece I hang out with sometimes) invited me over for dinner, but naturally I declined. Mr. XSLS is having dinner there (we always hosted Thanksgiving cause it's his fave holiday and he just blinked when I told him what to do -- cook the stuff you know how to cook and order a turkey -- so I guess she stepped in). She said I would really be missed. And I *do* miss what had become our little family traditions, too -- Mr. XSLS said he missed them -- but we are divorced and this is how divorce works.

Anyway, I hope each and every one of you is posted up somewhere with friends and loved ones enjoying the holiday! Take care and gobble gobble!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Ish I Do Not Want To Hear....

My two best friends are struggling in their marriages right now. I keep them both in prayer because I want them to be happy and their families to stay whole.

Today one of them called and said their marriage was over. Their spouse doesn't want to be married any more, says they were never in love with my friend.

What is that right there man?! WHAT IS THAT?

*kicks over chairs and smashes ish*

I wanted to cry, but rather than do that, I asked if they had tried counseling, then I urged my friend to not give up on the marriage and that their kids were worth them fighting to make it better.

I need to believe that marriage can work. That people who love each other can get together, work through ish and come out on the other side happy and holding hands.

Sigh.

I Know I Have Said This Before But....

I *hate* a mofo who doesn't follow through. I *hate* inconsistency. BE ON POINT WITH YOUR ISH!

If you say you are doing to do something DO IT, NO EXCUSES!


Friday, November 18, 2011

I'm about to revoke my mama's holiday invite....

She sent me a message saying, "Next year invite the whole family up for one of the holidays."

Say what now?

A big hell and no to that ish right there.

I live far away for a reason. It means I can keep all them folks -- and their craziness -- far far far away. I ain't inviting them up here to get on my nerves!

She's gonna mess around and lose her unlimited access to me and my home talking all crazy.



Monday, November 14, 2011

Why It's Nice To Have a "Man-Friend" Aside From The Obvious

They do ish around the house.

For example, this summer the teacher hung some stuff for me and had promised to hang some others before we stopped seeing each other. Those same pictures are laying in the same place waiting waiting waiting waiting.

He also looked at this estimate I had gotten for some work I needed done to my car and told me that I was being cheated and when I went to my regular mechanic (why I went to those other people, I dunno) he fixed what needed to be fixed and told me all that other stuff was fine and it cost me about one-third of what I had been quoted.

I think I started crushing on him THAT DAY. LOL! He was cute, though. REALLLLLLLLLLL cute. With a gorgeous smile and some really pretty and expressive eyes. Whoowheeeee.

*pauses for a minute to reflect on what might have been*

ANYWAY, fast forward to last night.

One of my toilets has been running and I tinkered with it and couldn't fix it and since I don't use that bathroom I just cut the water off to the toilet and kept it moving.

My new casual dating friend (I think I shall call him the Jamaican from now on) came over and used that restroom and asked me why I had cut the water off (I had forgotten it was off). I explained that it had been running and I couldn't fix it or make it stop so I shut the water off instead. He looked inside the tank jiggled something, figured out what was wrong, fixed it so that it wouldn't run in the short-term and said he would go to Home Depot one day this week and get the part it needed and fix it.

THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE. THAT ISH IS SEXXXXXXXYYYYYYY.

I like a man that can and will push a plow, shovel some snow, cut some grass, tote groceries, do ish with a drill, kill spiders and all that.

Loooooong before I was married I went on a couple of dates with a guy and he came by to pick me up for one of our dates. He looked at my old azz house and said, "it will be hard for a man to please you because you have done so much for yourself." *blink* Needless to say, that brother was fired.

That's how some dudes stay losing. That's right, I don't need you to buy me a house or car. I did that. But you can help me take care of this stuff I own.

Plus, I rattle pots and pans for handy brothers. LOL!

Happy Monday everybody, have a good one.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Cheating Cheaters

Someone asked me a couple of months ago if I had ever cheated on Mr. XSLS. I didn't even understand that question it was so ridiculous.

I didn't get married to be sluttin' around. What would be the point of that? I loved my husband almost from the day we met. I didn't have eyes -- or ass -- for anyone else.

Cheating is not my way. It takes more energy and savvy and sneakiness than I can muster up. And you have to lie. Who can keep all that straight? And none of that is exciting to me. I can send nasty text messages etc. to my man.

Also, I don't see the point to it. If I am that unhappy in a relationship, then fix it or leave. Why stay and cheat?! (I'm looking at YOU Mr. XSLS) Obviously the relationship is not giving me what I need. How can cheating make it better?

Plus, it's hurtful and erodes trust. Why would I want to hurt someone I profess to love by cheating on them?

And I just don't get the "unable to resist temptation" thing. I mean I wasn't blind, I saw hot looking men, but I admired them and that was it. I am not just the tip of the V my legs form. I am a person with cognitive ability, morals and feelings. As such, I don't just act with no thought to consequences and commitments.

In short, I don't do that. If I am with you, I'm with you. As I've said in the past, I only need one man, for one me and I'm good.

Don't ask me any more of these silly assed questions.

And in case none of that is clear, here's one of my favorite country songs that may explain it better:

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Fog Has Lifted!

I gotta learn how to shake it off better when folks let me down.

Some of the strategies I use to shake off the blues are:

1. Go look at sports cars and drive them really fast, which can scare the salesman but the adrenaline rush does it for me.

2. Find some child to spend time with because that fresh wide-eyed wonder is like the fountain of youth.

3. Borrow a friend's pet and love up on them.

Today I modified that third strategy in that I went to the animal shelter and loved up on some abandoned and affection-starved dogs, cats and rabbits.

A few years ago before I had cats, I used to volunteer to show animals at adoption events for the rescue league. I think I need to go back and volunteer or even just regularly visit the pound and do play time with the animals. It will be good for me and them.

Alrighty people, happy happy Saturday!


Saturday Ponderings

Ever get tired of being disappointed by people? That's where I'm at right now.

And I'm not talking being disappointed over and over by the same people, no I'm talking about being disappointed by new and different people.

It's making me wonder, is it me? Do I need to stop with the cup half-full everybody starts at 100 outlook? Do I expect too much of people? Am I too open? Too trusting? Not skeptical/cynical enough?

No, seriously. I am tired of giving 100 percent -- or more -- only to get some half-assed effort in return.

Maybe I need to stop giving a damn. Maybe then ish will be better.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The best part of this day....

Was coming home, taking off that all wrong outfit, getting in the tub, then laying back and relaxing with an ice cream sandwich.

It can't get better than this, no sireeeeeee.

Clothing Choices

Ever get dressed at home when you're kinda sleepy and then get to work and realize you have on something you should absolutely not be wearing at work?

No? Just me? OK.

*works on plan to stay seated at desk for the day*


Sunday, November 6, 2011

TapBack Ratchetness

I think I mentioned a few posts ago that my high school boyfriend has been texting me. We stumbled across each other on a reunion site and had exchanged some emails, but I made the mistake of giving him my phone number.

Now, I don't mind catching up and keeping in touch. But I was a little taken aback when he sent me a "here's how I look all grown up" pic of himself and he was looking, um, yeah. Let's just say, for somebody who is into brothers with braids he may be nice looking. For me, not so much.

And I was a bit put off with the textese he used to message me, especially considering he is three years older than me which makes him firmly in his 40s. (I skipped a grade so I was 14 in the 10th grade and he was a senior when I was a sophomore. It was more a talk on the phone, walk me to my class kind of relationship because I couldn't date or have company. He did let me wear his class ring).

But the final ohHELLno was when he asked if he could come up for a weekend and help me get over my divorce with his...well you know what I'm not saying here.

What part of the game is this?!

So when I say tap dance yo' ass on back to wherever it is you have been, that's the dickery I'm talking about right there. Just all manner of wrong and out of order. Between him and college boyfriend trying to save my sinful soul from the devil and his evil minions via Bible scripture, I am all tapped out on tap back at the moment.

That is all. Thanks and bye.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Priorities

I was going to go hang out with a girlfriend today and then I looked around at the dirty clothes I have waiting to be washed and stacks of mail waiting to be sorted and shredded and I sent her a text telling her I needed to stay my behind AT home and handle business.

She said good cause she was on the couch watching trash TV and wasn't feeling like stepping out either.

And a good thing I sorted the mail because I have a doctor's bill that needs to be paid and I need to get receipts and stuff collected to send off for FSA reimbursement. I always do it at the end of the year around the holidays so I can get the money in time to buy presents or pay for travel etc. And I have spent a pretty penny this year in medical costs.

I have gotten such good care and treatment from Providence Hospital, I may try and do all my medical business there in the future. I like that they come and pray with you and stuff. That's soothing when you're stressed or scared.

But what's most important right now is my head is fixed. LOL!

My Hair

I missed my weekly hair appt last week which was a huge terrible mistake (I forgot it was sked for Friday before work instead of Saturday and was in the bed asleep when I was supposed to be in the chair).

I have been looking real crazy about the head as a result, because I need chemicals and color and a trim.

But today, all that will be fixed. And thank the baby jeebus cause I hate for my head to be all raggedy. No amount of makeup and earrings and lip gloss can compensate for a jacked up head.

Plus I feel raggedy when my hair isn't right. I just think that, as a grown woman with a career, I should be polished looking.

Anyway, hope y'all are having a great weekend!

Friday, November 4, 2011

I Miss You

Those three words popped up on my phone via text message a little bit ago: "I miss you."

I stared at them, my heart beating fast -- thumpetythumpthumpthumpthump -- because truth be told, I miss him, too.

This is the third message from him since we abruptly stopped seeing each other, but this is the first one that makes me want to write back.

Still...he hurt my feelings. And does "I miss you" mean all the things my beating heart wants it to mean or is it just something to say to suck me in just for me to end up hurt again?

I don't know what to do.

So, for now, I do nothing.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Reflections Of The Way Life Used To Be

Last night, I got the blues. But it's my own fault.

My old roommate was asking to hear a song by Mr. XSLS and as I was hunting one up she asked, "OH! did you ever sing with him?" (<--imagine this said with a heavy french accent) so I dug up the video of us from our wedding performing a duet and next thing you know, I was crying cause I just remembered being so happy that day and thinking we would be together forever.

Anyway, I'll keep the video because if the tadpoles work, I want our child to know that we loved each other once. For some reason that is really important to me, that our child know we loved each other and wanted them.

I think it's interesting the things that are of sentimental value to Mr. XSLS. He has our wedding pics, engagement pics, the sheet music of the arrangement of the song we performed at our wedding and other stuff along those lines. Partly because they are in my keepsake box that belonged to his mom and I haven't taken it from the house yet, though I intend to at some point, and partly because he said he wanted to keep some of those things. It's hard for me not to make everything black and white in regard to him, i.e. you don't want to be married to me any more so why keep memories of the marriage? He also admitted to feeling sad after he got home from divorce court, as he was reading something that he wanted to share with someone and realized that I am the only person who would get it and we would never share these little moments again.

You know what fixed my blues though? The guy I am casually dating called and said he needed to see me. I said I had out of town company, but he was welcome to stop by for a minute. When he came in the door he grabbed me, picked me up and laughed. And when he laughs it lights up his whole face. Then he sat on the steps, pulled me onto his lap and asked me about my day. He didn't stay long, but it was long enough.

Life is funny.

Loose Change

So my old roommate is here visiting from Montreal and every time we see each other it's like no time has passed at all! She asked me to come meet her in Barbados in January and I just might do it. Need to stack some more money first, though, cause I ain't going nowhere if my savings account is not back to my comfort level.

Sigh. I don't like being poor-ish. OK, I'm not poor, my money just doesn't flow like it used to when I was married and somebody else was paying the bills.

But, I have made some cuts! I got rid of the housekeeper (she was only coming once a month and my house doesn't get nasty enough that I can't clean it myself now that the cats are gone).

Also, I've never been a big credit card person, I usually put everything on AMEX and pay it off every month, but I realized that using that method I was still just raking the card and not really thinking about the purchase.

Now I pay bills, then put a fixed amount in my checking account (the rest goes to savings) and then only carry my debit cards so I have to think about how much I have and how much I want to spend and if I really want whatever this thing is I'm trying to buy. So far it has worked like gangbusters.

I am blessed though, that I earn enough to keep my home. So many folks lost their homes in the past few years. And thank you to my parents, who taught me to not put my wants before my needs.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Sensory Issues

I hate having stuff touch my wrists so I wear a lot of 3/4-length sleeves or bell sleeves.

Yesterday I wore a sweater that fit close to the wrists and all day long I was pulling at them and feeling hot. I don't know why having my wrists touched with clothing makes me feel hot, but it does.

One of my friend Honeysmoke's daughters has this issue too. She doesn't like to have stuff touching her arms because she gets hot.

I also don't like sleeping in pajamas. To me, that's like laying in the bed fully dressed. I like to sleep in the buff, really, and I can do a T-shirt or gown, but I absolutely can't sleep with the equivalent of pants on.

Anybody else have these issues? No? Just me and Baby Honeysmoke? OK.