"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Monday, March 26, 2012

An open letter to my single sisters

Stop believing that guys hold all the cards and that they don't go through anything while navigating this dating world. They do. The good ones struggle just as much as good women do to find a mate and life partner.

Stop believing that there are no men in their late 30s/early 40s without children and/or a failed marriage behind them. YOU are childless and never married, right? You decided to wait until marriage to have children, right? So it stands to reason that there would be some men out there with the same values who have experienced some of the same relationship starts and stops that you have out in the dating world.

Stop believing that if a man is in his late 30s/early 40s and isn't/has never been married and doesn't have children, that there is something wrong with him or some crazy nefarious reason why he has remained single and childless. That may be true for SOME men, but think about it: Are you single and childless? Is there something wrong with you? 

Ladies and gentlemen, dating can be hard. Relationships even harder. But if you want love you have to get out there. It doesn't help when you take all your baggage and assumptions with you. There are good men out there just as there are good women out there, but when wading through the dating world, sometimes it can be hard to find each other. 

A longtime friend was emailing me saying he was sad about being in his early 40s and not married and the struggles he has had finding a wife. He's a smart guy, attractive, talented, ambitious, no children, traditional values, i.e. he would prefer his wife be a stay-at-home mom and he earns enough money to make that a comfortable reality. But he has had some of the same crazy dating experiences women complain about all the time (he's also moved around a lot for work).

Here's the advice I gave him: Marriage is a serious business. It takes commitment and constant work. Be sure about what it is you want -- not just the physical attributes because we all grow old and ugly (and some of us fat!), but the things that really matter, such as character, life goals, faith, finance, altruism, parenting -- and decide what a happy marriage looks like to you. Dig deep and think about what will really make you want to spend day in and day out with another person, especially when some of those days you may not like them, though you still love them. Then look around and see who fits that bill.

A man who finds a wife, finds a treasure.

That's the best advice for him and for you from my failed marriage perspective. I would like to think that if nothing else, that experience gave me a little wisdom.

And oh yeah, relish your single life!!! I realize now, that I never appreciated my single life before I was married. Don't get me wrong, I loved my husband and I loved being married.

But there are days when I come in here to find everything where and how I left it, I then feed, walk and water the puppy, eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, undress and toss my clothes into the chair, then watch some trash TV and I am good.

And on that note, I leave you with this:

Friday, March 23, 2012

I feel better

Springtime helps. I've always loved spring and summer, being able to walk around outside without 100000 layers on, sitting in the porch with a sweet tea chilling out, sandals, bike riding, birds chirping, flowers blooming.

And I have my puppy to walk and entertain and he never lets me get too down with his love licking and cuddles. This is my baby now.

And I'm going to church tomorrow, something I haven't done in a long time.

Yeah, I feel better.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Bluesing

I knew I would be randomly teary and upset for some time to come. I promised myself I would let that happen when it happened. 

But what's surprised me is, I miss my husband. I miss my marriage. I miss all the stuff I was promised in those vows. I miss the family we were sacrificing to have. 

I thought I was over all that shit?!! Sigh. 

And maybe it's because after I came home from the hospital, I slept in our old bed next to him and we watched TV and ate cookies like old times. Too many memories. 

I am very disappointed in my life right now, which is silly because it has been affected by things outside my control. 

I look ahead to the future and see....what? I close my eyes and I can see and almost smell my baby. 

I don't know. 


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

What to do with myself?

After sitting at home with my thoughts and nervous energy for days, I decided to bring myself to work cause I needed something to do that wasn't crazy.

When I'm faced with situations outside my control I tend to start looking for things I can do that I do have control over, like cutting off all my hair and dying it blonde (my hairdresser said she wants me to marinate on this for a week because she's not sure it's what I really want).

Or buying a bunch of stuff to finish decorating my living room (I saved a bunch of stuff on Pinterest, just need my handyman to come do some measurements for me).

Or trading in my roadster and buying a shiny new convertible (I need to get my car detailed before I can trade it in).

Or figuring out what to do with the empty room that was going to be the baby room (I cleared the little bit of stuff I had in there out and now it's wide open with no curtains or blinds on the windows or anything).

Or buying a doggy car seat for my puppy cause he likes to ride with his head hanging out of the window, but he wants to sit in my lap and I can't have that. And a basket for my bicycle that he can ride in. And an Avengers T-shirt for him.

I think what's really sort of blown me away is how down Mr. XSLS has been. I'll admit that, even though he was all gung-ho about our baby appointments and had promised me he would be a better father to our child than he had been a husband to me, I still sort of didn't believe he was 100 percent there with me.

Anyway, I'm not saying anything here just rambling. And listening to Yolanda.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I don't even know what to write here

Yesterday I hit the 15 week marker. Fifteen weeks people!!!

But I woke up yesterday cramping really badly. I called my ob/gyn (he had given me his cell number to call him directly if I had any questions or concerns) and he said to go to the hospital and he would meet me there.

Me and Mr. XSLS go to the hospital and from there everything is a bit of blur, but I end up under anesthesia and in surgery and I come out not pregnant.

I lost my baby girl. Sigh.

I am not taking phone calls or responding to emails or texts.