"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Friday, August 23, 2013

Follow up to the dust and crumb posts

On Wednesday we laughed and pointed at my lameness chatted about celibacy and @reads4pleasure noted in the comments that she too struggles when it comes to making moves on guys and getting cocoa heated up for stirring.

@TiffanyInHouston responded that it wasn't that simple, but that it wasn't that hard and I think that's both right and wrong at the same time, as I think how easy it is for you to be more se.xua.lly assertive is going to vary from one person to the next.

I'm awkward (people NEVER believe this, but I have worked very hard over the years at not being shy) and generally traditional, and as a result I am most comfortable with intimacy in a committed mutually faithful relationship. I can talk all big about wanting to get it in and all that but I know that if I open these legs to some guy and he doesn't call the next day or any of the days after that, my feelings will be hurt. I know a healthier way to look at the situation is that me and dude were taking care of a physical need, that makes sense to me LOGICALLY, but the emotional part of me would have a hard time being OK with a guy who didn't want to deal with all of me 'cause what's between my legs is not, IMO, the best part of me (it's good, now, don't get it twisted, but it's not the BEST part of me LOL)

I said in the post about Boobcrumb-gate 2012 I would discuss how and why the teacher and I never slept together though we dated fairly frequently for a steady six months, parted ways for several months, then played around via text etc for a few more months before just leaving each other alone.

Well, I wanted to roll around with him. He was big (not fat, but tall and solidly built) and very attractive. But I was never going to say it. And he made no move.

Initially I thought it was because my situation was precarious. When we went on our first date (for my birthday in 2011), I was living in my ex-husband's house while my house was being cleaned and remodeled. Mr. XSLS had moved back in and slept in the guest room. If the tables were turned, I'm not sure I would have believed that or would never have been bothered with me cause that sounds messy.

Then I moved back home and the teacher and I went to Ikea and he helped me pick out a rug and some curtains for my basement, then he came over and hung the curtains and helped lay the rug out. The teacher would invite me over to his place for dinner or for hugs if one of us was going out of town. He went with me to my friends' house for brunch one Sunday and won them over.

Still everything stayed ... G-rated. After a bit I started appreciating spending time with someone who wasn't putting the hardcore press on 'cause I wasn't ready. And I figured we'd get there eventually.

But things fizzled with us and, eventually never got here. Every now and again I'll wonder what being with him would have been like, as we clicked in many ways and he was very VERY sexy, but then I forget about it.

Still, THIS is an example of what I'm saying up top about not being se.xua.lly assertive. Most of my girlfriends were like, "JUST GRAB THAT MAN AND GET YOU SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Not my style. At all. I want to be desired and lusted after, but more than that I want to be loved. It's a hard space to be in sometimes.

Anyway, that's enough on this today. I'll pick up the "wanting to be loved" theme in another post sometime.

1 comment:

Use your inside voice ... or I'll put you outside. -- SingLikeSassy