"There are notes between notes, you know." -- Sarah Vaughan

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

"Just Adopt!"

I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it when people say this, especially if they are people who have never struggled to get pregnant. It's easy to tell someone to "just adopt!" when you can just lie down, stir cocoa, and get up the next day with a baby in your belly.

Yeah, "just adopt" and "just get over it," fall into the "this isn't my issue and I don't care if you are upset" ignorance and insensitivity area IMO.

While Mr. XSLS and I were going through our IVF cycles, his best friend and his wife were dealing with infertility issues, too. (I wrote a little bit about it in this old post)

They eventually decided to adopt and it seemed this summer everything was finally coming together. A baby boy was soon to be born and placed into their arms. I was excited for them and sent them gifts from their registry cause I like buying baby gifts from registries! It means new life, new families etc. My stuff got there a few days before the baby's due date earlier this month.

Then two days after the due date, Mr. XSLS and I went to the movies and he told me that the adoption had fallen through at the last minute. All I could think was this:

When I got home yesterday I had a letter in the mail from them with a note saying the placement hadn't happened, but thank you for the gifts. It also included a check for the amount of the gifts I sent them. I had told Mr. XSLS to let them know they didn't have to return my gifts, because, imagine the disappointment of not getting a baby after all these years, all the money, sacrifice, hope, tears, effort etc., and then have to give people's gifts back? Having to tell people I lost my baby last year when I had *just* told them two weeks earlier that I was pregnant and, even worse, having to tell my parents about the loss when just one day earlier I had told them they were getting a granddaughter, was soul crushing.

So to all you "just adopt!" people who have no idea -- or worse yet, don't care -- that the process for adoption is not necessarily "easier" or "less expensive" or whatever than infertility treatments (or less selfish, which is what they are REALLY saying, cause you see, it's "selfish," to want a bio child, which is rich coming from folks who have bio kids *blinkblink*), I have this to say:

1 comment:

  1. Well said. I can so relate to this post. One of the other considerations of adoption is the fact that years later, there is the possibility that the child will develop the need/desire to find/connect with their biological parents. I think this is natural & understandable for an adopted child, but can still sometimes be painful for adoptive parents. This is something that biological parents don't every have to emotionally prepare for. It just a complex issue. I don't think that people's intentions are necessarily bad when they make these comments, they just don't understand all of the challenges that come with infertility, cause it is not their path. But I do feel your frustration.


Use your inside voice ... or I'll put you outside. -- SingLikeSassy