I spent some time reading through old posts yesterday, and it was odd looking at all that has happened in the last five years from a distance. I'm so far away from the high moments (the first year of my marriage) and the low ones (infidelity, infertility, baby losses) now, it's almost (but not quite) hard to remember all I was feeling at the time.
Still, I am glad I wrote it down. It's nice to read about the good times as it's a reminder that there were good times.
It also helped me to deal with the bad stuff by getting it out of my head and off my heart, especially at times when I couldn't talk to other people or I felt like people had just gotten tired of listening to me and my problems -- not to trivialize them, cause I was going through some real shit, but after a bit, folks want you to heal and move on. Shoot, I wanted to heal and move on.
But as I have noted, I laugh and joke and seem like an open book and all that, but most of that is cover up for the fact that I am very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily. And when that happens, I turn inward, pull away, burrow in.
For example, a conversation at work Wednesday morning led me to just fold in on myself for the rest of the day. I shouldn't have let it effect me in that way, because in hindsight I see that the person had an agenda, which was to make me responsible for their feelings in a situation I have nothing to do with, at all. But it hurts me because it tells me we are not the friends I thought that we were and if I have learned nothing else, I know this: when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. I will keep this person at arm's length from now on.
Still, all that said, overall I'm in a good place and head space, and I am trying to date again! I joke that I'm looking for my second husband, though I'm not sure that's true. I want companionship, intimacy and that mental connection with someone, but I just don't know about getting married again. Not because I am bitter and all that, but mostly because I'm not sure anymore that marriage is the only kind of relationship construct that works for me. Seven years ago I didn't believe I could trust someone to be committed to me if they didn't want to marry me, but I got married to my friend and love, and that shit didn't work out. Meanwhile I see folks around me without the piece of paper who are in strong committed relationships. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and a marriage license doesn't necessarily guarantee that.
And honestly, when I'm on a dating site and see folks talmbout finding the love of their life and their soul mate and all that, it feels like a lot of pressure. Can we just have a drink, or ride bikes, or walk along the tidal basin or something else easy and carefree like that? I don't want to be feeling like I need to measure up to the list for or idea of a soul mate. The love of your life?!!!! Can I just be this cute, funny chick you are getting to know right now and we let that soul mate shit happen organically if it's meant to be?
I've accomplished some stuff this year, too! My mother visited last month and she was pointing out all that had changed since her last visit in January: I lost 50 pounds, I dyed my hair blonde, I finished decorating my living/family room, I bought a new car, I started a side business, I've been writing at work again. Sometimes when you're IN it, you can't see all you've done and I truly hadn't stepped back and looked at all that cumulatively. That's a mama's job. LOL!
Anyway, this might all be a bit heavy for a Friday morning. Let's focus on the weekend! I have two parties to attend, a hair appointment (I think Imma get me a ponytail and whip my hair back and forth!) and some overtime scheduled at work (stacking paper!).
Hope y'all have a great one!