Friday was my born day and it was bittersweet. I am grateful to see another year, but my life is not what I thought it would be at this point.
I am *still* making peace with the fact that I will likely never be a bio mom. This has been harder to do than I had anticipated. A couple of tears are rolling down my cheek as I just think about this situation.
I continue -- to my utter frustration -- to mourn the demise of my marriage. That angers me because it's over. IT IS OVER. I have been divorced nearly three years. That is too long to still be sad about a situation that has ended and is done, IMO. And yet, I still mourn what might have been. Knowing my ex-husband moved on long ago makes me even angrier at myself. I'm the only one stuck here. Or, rather, back there. I purposely put some distance between us this year and though I didn't talk to him about it beforehand, he seemed to figure it out and has been good about respecting that. Aside from a few pics on Facebook, I have not seen him in 2014.
Dating has been...challenging. There are a lot of wrong ass mofos and a couple too many of them managed to find themselves in my space. This led to a discussion among some friends about how I operate from a zero tolerance stance when it comes to dating these days. Mess up? Bye. Delete and blocked. A few of my lady friends say this isn't a good "strategy." My longtime trusted guy friend told me he thinks I was right to fire the people I dismissed, but I should swap my zero tolerance policy for a three strikes policy. Not a bad idea, so I am working on that.
I gained a chunk of the weight I lost back over the long long long long freezing cold and did I say long? winter. With the sun out more, I feel motivated to get back out and become more active, but there was a point there when all I could do was go to work, come home and go to bed. Lack of sunlight and warmth has an effect on me, yo. I have to admit, I feel a lot of ...shame? definitely sadness, for gaining this weight back. I worked so hard and got so much positive feedback last year and looked and felt so much better. It makes it difficult to dress myself and take pride in my appearance these days, but I make the effort anyway because my people are vain and I might be fat, but I'll be damned if I just give up. It also scares me, this weight. I don't want health problems.
The last seven months or so, I have been working harder than ever at getting another job -- but not just ANY job. I want a job doing something I am excited about and want to get up and do every day. I've had some offers, but none have been right for me. I don't want another job like the one I have now. I'm not fulfilled doing this job so why go somewhere else to do more of the same? The right position not presenting itself has been hard on me. I know I need to be patient, but I need this change. I really really do.
So to sum up, all the things I want -- love, baby, new and exciting job, general happiness and contentment -- have not happened, despite my best efforts at attaining them. And to make matters worse, most of the things bothering me today were bothering me two years ago. Yeah, my soul is hurting right now and I am enraged about the lack of movement in my life. I said to someone recently that "sometimes you have to make what you have be what you want." I can't do that. I won't.
Because the things above collectively threw me into a deep mire of depression (or were the result of being depressed, like the weight gain), I decided to start seeing a counselor. I cried through the entire first session as I described my issues to her: shame, fear, loneliness, stress. We have met for a few sessions and at the most recent one she pointed out some things about me that she picked up from our conversations: I can be cold and unfeeling. I push people who care about me away. I get angry and uncomfortable and downright mean when people try to care about or love me (ex. my parents). And she's right about some of that. If I start feeling smothered I kick and scratch and fight my way out so that I can breathe again. And then I eat. According to the counselor, my mouth says I don't want to be alone, but my actions say otherwise. Sigh. I don't want to think about this stuff man. Damned counselor.
In any case, as hard as it is, as angry and sad as I am, I continue to work on myself. Always striving (struggling?) to be the best me.
Happy Easter everyone. Take care.
A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
like a heavy load.